tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1362373399405910593.post3397509041948324960..comments2023-12-11T20:18:37.225-06:00Comments on Shattering the Silence: Life Is MessyRoger Mannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07591791342062150604noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1362373399405910593.post-13521088251449958142018-08-10T11:21:21.396-05:002018-08-10T11:21:21.396-05:00Thanks Roger. One thing I would like to share is h...Thanks Roger. One thing I would like to share is how God overwhelms each new flashback and revelation about my abuse with something truly miraculous. I now know He does that to build my faith and trust in Him and so I won't slide into despair after each new revelation. The divine interventions help keep me moving forward and they restore my hope. Even with all the miracles, I still cannot imagine God as Father. Every now and I then I imagine sitting with Him beside a pond with my head in His lap and we talk. I hope those visits increase in frequency and length. Very thankfully, I find it much easier to connect with Jesus. I feel safe and loved with Jesus.Mark Pendletonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1362373399405910593.post-24356401201813245442018-07-22T19:24:47.860-05:002018-07-22T19:24:47.860-05:00Mark, reading your comment gave me chills. That a ...Mark, reading your comment gave me chills. That a man could do that to a child, even his own flesh and blood, means to me that he valued you only as a tool, a plaything and enjoyed the power he had over you. I have know others like that. I would consider myself lucky to have survived if it were me. Roger Mannhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07591791342062150604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1362373399405910593.post-74791140016279295212018-07-17T10:58:09.126-05:002018-07-17T10:58:09.126-05:00Thank you Roger and Mark for your comments about y...Thank you Roger and Mark for your comments about your fathers. I don't believe my earthly father has really ever shown me respect...or acknowledged my worth and value. When I confronted him about a nightmare of being molested as a toddler in a crib I didn't tell him he was the predator. He knew it though. Later that day I remember him physically looking down at me with the most sinister (slanted eyes and a smirk) look in his eyes. It was sadistic and he took pleasure in it. I described it to my wife and she said "he was acknowledging that he knows that you know, but there's nothing you can do about it". There are times I feel trapped because the he passed me around in a well known men's organization.Mark Pendletonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1362373399405910593.post-78040586783682964982018-07-11T09:37:59.793-05:002018-07-11T09:37:59.793-05:00Roger as I read your above comment, "....in s...Roger as I read your above comment, "....in some families kids seem like nothing more than furniture .... tools for their [parents] needs....", I thought "Well, my parents didn't treat me that way!"<br /><br />And then I had to stop myself. Truth is, I don't know what I was for my dad. Most of my childhood, I felt I was absolutely nothing to him. Did I bring dad pleasure? Or did he use me because I had brought him pain by even being born? Was he proud of me? Embarrassed by me? Consider me a nuisance,a failure, a financial setback to his dreams for his future? <br /><br />It wasn't until I was an adult that he began to show me respect, in a direct, sort of man-to-man, way. I valued that show of respect. I think it was genuine on his part. But so much damage had already been done. <br /><br />And he failed to show the respect that was most important, taking responsibility for what he had done.<br /><br />As I write these words, trying to express my thoughts, I find that I feel confused. Which is appropriate.<br /><br />Markhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06377229341309366053noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1362373399405910593.post-55558415072547873492018-07-11T08:38:17.217-05:002018-07-11T08:38:17.217-05:00Thank you Mark P and the rest for your comments. W...Thank you Mark P and the rest for your comments. We are not alone, sadly but it's bittersweet knowing and hearing that. I've often wondered why in some families kids seem like nothing more than furniture. To be used and set as window dressing for a parents pleasure. Not quite human but tools for their needs and entertainment. I was a person as soon as I was born. I was a real person at 5 and a very aware person at 10. But I don't think my father noticed till I was in my teens. That's when he became more careful about his actions. So strange. <br /><br />Thanks again. Roger Mannhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07591791342062150604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1362373399405910593.post-50571257773820520552018-07-07T20:04:56.459-05:002018-07-07T20:04:56.459-05:00Thank you Mark and Dec for your encouragement. I&...Thank you Mark and Dec for your encouragement. I've been praying for a support group for male survivors for years.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10165965386046333312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1362373399405910593.post-14686019458453786312018-07-07T20:03:31.525-05:002018-07-07T20:03:31.525-05:00Thank you Mark for your encouragement.Thank you Mark for your encouragement.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10165965386046333312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1362373399405910593.post-31647054998041968422018-07-07T13:45:20.375-05:002018-07-07T13:45:20.375-05:00Mark Cooper, well stated.
Mark P, thank you for...Mark Cooper, well stated. <br /><br /><br />Mark P, thank you for being so open, especially in your first post to this blog. That took a great deal of courage, and I applaud you. Many of the readers of this blog understand your situation. SSA is, IMO, the most denied struggle over which male survivors struggle. Thank you for being so transparent. <br />Cec<br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06561003702809987058noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1362373399405910593.post-81052571214422741902018-07-05T12:58:21.319-05:002018-07-05T12:58:21.319-05:00Hi Mark, thanks for joining! Your point about the ...Hi Mark, thanks for joining! Your point about the gay lifestyle giving you the opportunity to chose abusers you could control is a powerful statement. I think many of us who have battled with sexual sin have not realized that we are reliving the trauma of our abuse, in a way that gives us the illusion of control.<br /><br />For me, homosexual fantasy and gay porn made me feel powerful over men. <br /><br />Mark, you are a warrior, your battle has been long, and I know it does continue. But do not lose sight of the fact that your story has the power to help others move towards freedom from their abuse and abusers. Markhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06377229341309366053noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1362373399405910593.post-44525261173192706452018-07-04T10:43:25.278-05:002018-07-04T10:43:25.278-05:00Hi - This is Mark. This is my first time posting....Hi - This is Mark. This is my first time posting. I just signed up to receive notifications. I'm a survivor or sexual abuse by my father. He also passed me around to other men. There was long term emotional, verbal and some physical abuse too. One of the outcomes was a pervasive sense of powerlessness sexually and in other ways, along with same sex attractions. I spent 11 years in the gay life being reabused, but this time I could chhose abusers I could control. It was insanity. I've been out of that life for 17 years, but still deal with the shame of my time in it. I do have some good male friends who haven't struggled with what I struggle with and I have shared details with two of them. It's been encouraging and hopeful to read through your posts.Mark Pendletonnoreply@blogger.com