That's not to speak against them—but to face the fact that I wasn't able to accept others or open myself to them. When a significant piece of our lives remains hidden from us, as mine was, we don't know how to receive such relationships. Even more, we didn't know how to recognize such relationships.
I reached out for something I didn't have and didn't know how to receive. Maybe that's why I surrounded myself with people—and I did that a lot. One thing I did realize, even during my teens, was that when I had a serious crisis in my life, I had no one to tell or ask.
I lived with that paradox: I had many friends, but I had no true, deep friendship. When I was still in high school, I read Edgar Allan Poe's poem "Alone" and memorized the first lines.
They read this way:
From childhood's hour I have not beenWhy did that poem stay with me and touch me so deeply? I know the answer now. But it was an enigma then. And part of my tortured life was the secret I had told no one until I was 51 years old.
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Like many other men, my sexual assault kept me isolated and unavailable.
These days I have a best friend and several good friends. I'm open to widening the circle.
Friendship, what an important (and complex!) discussion for survivors. Approaching 50, I'm just starting to roll back my history of 'alone-ness.' Reaching out and forms of emotional intimacy have historically been terror-making for me. If average men live and die in relative loneliness, it's epidemic for survivors. So I'm very thankful for 2-3 friends I presently have who are moving into the realm of soul-enriching friendships. I now see that it's easier to put relationships in 'boxes' that are predictable--now I know that deep friendships rightly reach beyond comfortable categories (e.g., marriage, co-worker, etc.), into areas of life and living survivors can't manage. There's the hurdle! What a great friend, indeed, who would commit to love an emotional-leper.
ReplyDeletewell said Andrew!
ReplyDeleteI think I have some good friends, but if/ or when I tell them....will they be able to handle it, or walk with me as I/ we process it.