Nightmares

Every now and then I wake my wife up with my yelling and/or moaning loudly. It's not as bad as it has been because I'm learning to take control when I sense this coming on. Usually in times of stress or anxiety over something during the day. If I feel it at bedtime, I do some relaxing exercises and prayers before retiring. This has seemed to help a lot.

I had not experienced a nightmare since I was in High School. Then around 40-45 years old, I had my first and it was a doozy. I can't remember what it was about, and I seldom do upon waking. I don't know if I really can't recall or if I subconsciously don't want to recall.

I've learned in my research that it's not uncommon for survivors to have them to various degrees. I've worked with some sleep diagnostic people that helped me with them by giving me the above exercises. I'm glad I checked with some other survivors on this because for a long time I thought I was losing it big time and it really worried my wife. Also, I'd never really connected it to the abuse until talking online with others.

There are all kinds of side effects to being a survivor but that's where reaching out and getting help can really help ease the transition from survivor to thriver.

Part of what bothered me so much in the early stages of my acceptance as a victim was the loneliness. Unable to talk to anyone about the huge secrets I carried was a huge burden. A burden I never realized I was carrying until I finally told someone. I couldn't believe what a relief it was. I cried a lot just to know I was heard and believed and it was okay.

This is one of the major reasons I've agreed to do this blog. I haven't forgotten both the feeling of carrying the load and of finally having someone to share it with. Later on, I found a website that specifically was designed for men who were victims to come and talk with others, share their stories and feelings and get support. That again was huge, almost intoxicating. I was not alone. It was not my fault. I was believed.

The first time I tried to share with someone on a different site, I was not believed. I was very upset that I have finally opened my soul to another and was put down like someone just seeking attention. I never told anyone else until that day in counselling as mentioned above.

Why don't we tell? Because it hurts too much not to be believed and thought evil of. This is dark stuff but it dies in the light and telling can remove the teeth from the memories.

Just my thoughts