Friday, May 15, 2020

I have often thought that if I'd had someone to talk to, someone to help me get out of the abuse early I'd have been able to live a more normal life. And I use that word normal loosely.

At one point I likened a child's psyche to wet cement. Things happen when you first pour it out in its form. Someone can step in it and leave a print, throw a rock in it and make a bad imprint. But when it's wet, things can be done to repair it and smooth out the blemishes. Over time though, if nothing is done, it's very difficult to repair the gouges and holes. It can be done but it's a lot of work and will still leave a mark.

I think as I said, kids are like that. Recognize the symptoms of damage and get them help early and they have a chance. Otherwise, as in my case it takes a heck of a lot of work and a long time. The conditioning is deeply ingrained.

Still, scars or no scars help is possible and just needs the will to do the hard work.

Just my thoughts

Wednesday, May 13, 2020

Growing up my worldview was shaped of course, by my parents. As a child, it's all you know. We moved around a lot, sometimes twice in the same year. It seemed like I was eternally the "new kid".  One of the ways it shaped my ideas of boundaries is the way I always seemed to run into other kids who were sexually inquisitive like me. It wasn't until I was in my 60's that I really took a hard look back at that.

As a boy, I assumed because of that every boy or girl was curious about their body and wanted to "play". This occasionally led to some awkward and embarrassing encounters. Someone would say or do something that I would see as an invitation to go further and was surprised to discover that was not the case.

As I look back on memories of my childhood it becomes clear that my father had guided some or maybe a lot of my special friends to me. Some older, some younger and many the same age but all having the same leaning in common. I grew up believing anyone was a potential "playmate". And why wouldn't I?

It really didn't seem strange to me at the time. I had no experiences in which to compare. It just was how things always seemed to develop. So now in looking back, I've begun to see a pattern. I realize this was not normal. That I had been deliberately guided to certain families, certain friends and playmates and provided an opportunity to interact. This is more insidious than I realized. As I got into my pre-teen and early teen years I often caught dad watching or more to the point spying on me and my friends.

So, in my late teens and on I can see how I always seemed to see my friends and acquaintances as sexual beings first. A kind of automatic objectification of those around me. I find this really sad to realize and disappointed that in so many cases it became true and led to promiscuity instead of genuine friendships. Which also seemed to lead to isolation and confusion.

Train up a child in the way it should go and when it is old they will not depart from it. A Biblical instruction that when misused can be horrific. The ability to see this trend early on and do something about it is vital to the health and well being of a person.

More on this later.

Monday, May 4, 2020

Today I spent a few hours babysitting my grandson. I loved it more than I ever thought I would. One thing though that struck me hard, how helpless and small he was. Also how willing to trust me and fall peacefully asleep in my arms.

There was many a year that I spent berating my younger self for allowing the abuse to continue and not speaking out. I felt he was broken and I was angry with him, my small younger self.

As I stared into the tiny trusting eyes and the precious little face, it hit me hard and I began to tear up realizing how helpless, small, weak and clueless I was as a child in the middle of such evil. What else could I have done except survive and try to keep things from becoming worse?

I was just a kid, what did I know of such things or the ramifications of such a wounding of the soul. What does a child know of such things? So once again I feel the need to forgive my younger self. We don't know, what we don't know.

I survived.