Tuesday, April 14, 2015

A Note from John B.

(This private email came to me from John B. and he has given me permission to share it. Will some of you respond to John? --Cec) 

Yesterday was really tough for me. The final collapse of my marriage is so hard to face.

It's weird because I've been unhappy in the marriage for...well, probably ever. And I also blamed it on the way my wife treated me.

Now I suddenly realize that some, although not all, of the unhappiness came from me being dysfunctional. Walling myself off, turning away from her and to myself, not telling her what I really think, and feeling so negative about myself all the time.

Cec, I want to transition from looking at the way the abuse has hurt my life, and start looking at ways to make my life better. How do I go from here (Oh crap, I've endured so much unnecessary pain because of the way I emotionally respond to things which is rooted in my abuse) to there (I was sexually abused and it affects me sometimes, but I act in a functional manner as much as I possibly can)???

You've made this transition. I want to be where you are. Open. Comfortable. Happy.


Anonymous said...

I wholeheartedly understand. Due to privacy for my husband I will not disclose too many details. However, I, like you, was abused as a child and it truly interfered with my marriage. When he lashes out(due to severe depression brought on my a difficult job) I reacted like a victim. I even covered it up; walking on egg shells. I was never an angry person and now I am. I am praying and asking God to give me Victory over the pain and anger. It is not easy. I am healing slowly. My anger is subsiding. Acknowledgement of anger, sin and pain is a good start. I was sweeping it under the rug. God wants us to heal. The power of memorizing the Word of God had given me strength. I will be praying for you. I finally approached my husband about his anger. He is getting help.
Be gentle with yourself. Know that Jesus died for the sin of the other person too. That helps me alot. I ask God to help me see my husband as He does. Surround yourself with people who love you and are concerned for your wholeness in Christ. Accept the Word planted in you. You will see results. Satan would love all of us to live as Victims. Jesus came to give us the Victory. Praying for you my friend.

Carolyn Ruch said...

Acknowledging where you've been and then embracing where you want to be is over half of this battle.

Each step you take is better than standing still. Be kind and gentle to yourself in the process. Find at least one friend who listens without a need to respond and seek those who understand the delicate process of healing from CSA. You can move forward. Life can be different. I've witnessed this process in the lives of my survivors friends over and over again.

Praying for you today.

Roger Mann said...

I agree with the previous replies. We must look at how it is affecting us in order to set about finding ways to heal in those areas. Also it is important to get help in doing this. We all have blind spots, areas in our lives that have been there so long we no longer see them. Others can help us to find and heal those areas and so professional help is important. So is a community of loving friends and family that can gently and compassionately point out those areas we cannot or will not see.

I have been there. I lost two marriages because I thought I could do it alone. I am married once again but getting counseling and help from 12 step programs for the PTSD and a lot of other issues I did not recognize.

There is life after abuse but it may take some time and you may have to face some painful realities in order to heal. But heal you will and you will be a happier better man, husband and father for it. I have spoken to many who are or have gone through the healing process and are, one day at a time, finding peace.

You are not alone. It was NOT your fault. Once you can accept these two truths, you will be well on your way to finding closure and peace.

Also never underestimate the spiritual element to this healing process. Your soul was assaulted too. It takes God to heal that and He can. He just needs permission and cooperation. Been there done that and glad I did.

Check out the FULL version of the Serenity Prayer.

Just my thoughts

Anonymous said...

I am also on the edge,I don't know how much more my wife can take. I take 1 step forward and 2 steps back.
I have all the books and a willing wife to walk through this with me but I keep failing. I think I kept it in so long (50 years) that I have built up a wall that keeps hurting the wrong person. Why do I hurt those closest to me and not the one that caused the pain from the abuse. Because the abuser has died, and my family of orgin doesn't want to hear about my pain and that something like this could have happened in Our home. I realize my hope is in the Jesus and I have to open my heart to Jesus, and to my wife. I need let them in and allow my soul and mind to heal.I just don't ever want to give up hope that day will come that I will be able to not always feel like the Victim.

Roger Mann said...

I have found that just trying to stop a trigger or behavior was not enough. I had to work hard to replace it with something healthy. The draw to reenact my victimization, to seek out bad behavior as a comfort solution for my pain and anxiety, the secrets and isolation would not change or stop on their own.

I had to replace all of that with positive things for me and my family. It was not easy and did not happen overnight but with help and support from my mens fellowship, wife, and counseling it did happen. Hang in there guys and don't give up. If you make the choice and act, the strength will come.


John B. said...

Hi, this is John B.

Anonymous (#2) said...
I think I kept it in so long (50 years) that I have built up a wall that keeps hurting the wrong person. Why do I hurt those closest to me and not the one that caused the pain from the abuse.

This comment really resonates with me right now. I also built up a wall and hurt the wrong person, and now I'm paying for it with my marriage and destruction of my family.

I look to people like Cecil who have managed to heal and learn healthy behavior. They inspire me to believe it is possible to improve.

Blogger Roger Mann said...
I have found that just trying to stop a trigger or behavior was not enough. I had to work hard to replace it with something healthy

Roger makes a great point. It's not enough to stop the destructive behavior, there needs to be a healthy replacement of negative self image, thoughts, and changes of behavior.

Guys, I just want to say right now I hurt a lot. Some of you readers must hurt this way too. I hope we can work to get a better place.

Roger Mann said...

Ahh yes, Pain is the great motivator. It was for me. As long as I could limp along with the discomfort, I would. It was not until my divorce which was devastating that I finally got serious about doing whatever was necessary to change.

Up until then I was kinda working at this and attending that and reading something else on recovery and it all sounded good but not good enough to make any real changed in my life.

I would be ok for a while then fall into some old pattern briefly, feel bad and do better. A very lame cycle that changed nothing. When the pain got bad enough, I sought help, real help and for me it was a life saver.

I guess men are like that. We will just make adjustment or cope until we can live with the pain anymore and then go see a doctor. I know I am that way. It does not end well usually physically and I guess not emotionally/mentally either. Sometimes the worst things in my life have been the best things that could have happened in the long run.

I hope for you the pain can be a door opening to a better life. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.