(Alan has been reading the blog for a few weeks and decided to write to me. With his permission, I've forwarded his story.)
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I have been enjoying the blog posts and comments from the guys. It is very encouraging hearing the victories of these men and sobering knowing they also have struggles as well.
My story goes like this:
I was molested when I was only 4 years old by a male family member. At the time I was too young too know what it was and that it was wrong, but it affected my life tremendously. It wasn't until I was in my late teens that I remembered what happened to me. I struggled with same-sex attraction and couldn't understand why. I prayed and I had a flashback to my childhood when and how it happened.
I only recall it happening once but its effects lived on. From a little boy I was confused about my sexuality. I wanted to be a girl and dressed up in my grandmother's clothing. I was often teased and called all manner of names, e.g. sissy. It was a painful childhood for me. I felt rejected by my peers, family members, and men. I never felt I was manly enough. I still struggle with that. Right now I feel a sense of sadness but, at the same time, appreciate being able to share my experience.
I was exposed to pornography at an early age, and it has been a struggle since then. I struggle with same-sex attraction, gay porn, masturbation, and other psychological effects from my abuse. I want to please God with my life and overcome my struggles, but I continue to fail.
I desire to get married and have children. I've tried seeking help from different individuals, but it continues to disappoint me. I pray that God sends someone that will truly understand my predicament and help me through it. The person I thought was going to help me started to but abandoned the process. That was hard for me. It's such a sensitive area.
I need someone to help me, but at the same time I'm tired of people disappointing me regarding this area of my life.
Thanks, Cec, for your blog and being courageous enough to share your story and to all the guys who have shared theirs. I pray that God helps me to overcome this fully!
Alan - thank you for sharing. I was also 4. I always remembered a portion of my abuse while growing up, but didn't identify it as abuse until in my early 20's.
I went through a time (around 5th grade) where I created an imaginary world in which I was an adult woman. When I was at school, I pretended I was working in an office. At home, I pretended my bedroom was my apartment. I didn't want to be a girl, I wanted to be a woman, because being a child hurt too much. Thankfully, I outgrew that - it just didn't work.
But when I was 12, I became involved in homosexual activity that lasted through most of my teens. Exposure to my dad's pornographic books led to my eventual addiction with homosexual pornography.
I'm middle aged and finally allowing God to touch the deep places of wounds from being raped. And I'm finding God to be very faithful. The healing journey is painful. But it's pain from living alive. Which is SO much better than the pain I've experienced much of my life; the pain of living death.
Alan, I both hurt and feel encouragement when I read your story. I hurt because of your experiences; both in the past and now, as you are trying to find help. I'm encouraged, because you are facing your wounds while you are young, with so much life ahead. You are making courageous choices. As a man.
I am praying for you. That God will show you / bring you to, the next step. And that He will continue to give you the courage to stand. To get back up when you fall. And to once again stand. There is a lot of hope.
Thank you for sharing. This is a powerful message. I will pray for you. May I have the strength to share one day as well.
Alan, There is a web site specifically to help support men like us who were abused and struggle with all kinds of side effects and kinks. It is called livehope.org. It is a Christian site but I will tell you they do not permit those on the forums to contact each other outside the forums for safety reasons.
Guys like us are broken and have a lot of trouble with temptation and this helps keep us all safe. So I would not tell them you have contact with us on this site. Probably nothing would happen but it does keep us safe. I know several guys on the site and have known and contact with them them well before joining and that is ok so long as I don't mention it on the site itself.
That said, You are not alone. What happened to you and the effects it hand on you are NOT YOUR FAULT. You were just a kid, kids believe whatever they are told and in a child's mind impressions can be deeply felt and carried for a long time. There is hope in overcoming all sin even this. Christ has paid for this with His life. Trust and obedience will lead you out of the darkness but don't go it alone. There are lots of help out there if you know where to look. It will take time and some work but you can have a life after abuse and recovery. I know. Hang in there, God has not forgotten you and is with you every step of the way.
Just my thoughts
Roger - thanks for mentioning livehope. I was not familiar with that site. Looks like something that will encourage me, too! :-)
Alan, I know the feeling. Why my mother taught me to sew and let me play with dolls and let me dress in dresses, etc., I will never know. I had no nurturing males in my life--I was kept under abject control at home and no interaction with boys my age in sports or scouting. I didn't know how to be male. And as I grew into my teens, I wanted to be male, and didn't have a clue how to be. I had been molested by an older boy when I was probably 5. He wanted to play cow with me being the cow and he "milked" me. That was my introduction into masturbation. As a teenager I was sent away to a boarding school and in the bus station men's room an older man seduced me. I've blocked out the particulars, but I know it happened. What I do remember is when I went back into the waiting room, I wondered if everyone in there knew what had happened to me. I was so starved for male companionship and a father, that I began to cruise for "fatherly" men who would accept me for a few minutes. But in my heart and soul, all I ever wanted to be was a man. Thank God with the help of my counselor and a pastor who both show me the compassion and acceptance of Christ, I'm leaving the past and moving forward in recovery. And I feel like a man.
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