Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Distorted Relationships (Part 1 of 5)

About a decade ago my friend Gerald Coker died of cancer. What I remember most about our relationship was his attitude toward women. I didn’t know all his history, except that he detested his mother, who was his abuser. I don’t know if there had been sexual assault (he never said, and I never pried).

She had abused him verbally and possibly physically.

The significance of that—and I think it’s often true no matter the form of abuse by a female—is the distorted perception of women in general. Not once did Gerald ever talk about women in a kind or caring tone. He mentioned women he had dated, and he’d say things such as, “I know she’s slept with a dozen men.”

His references weren’t limited to them, but he tagged every woman as immoral. We were still good friends when he married either his third or fourth wife, and she was one of the finest women I’d ever known. He made accusations about her I was sure were wrong, but he insisted he knew the bad things she had done.

That’s what I mean by distorted relationships. One time I said, “You’ve never had a satisfactory relationship with a woman, have you?”

“Not yet,” he answered.

The last I saw Gerald before he moved to another state, had married the woman he had vilified. And I thought, it will never last.

It didn’t.

I tell this about Gerald because he lived and died without facing his distorted view of women. That’s one of the sad results of abuse.

I want to face my pain
because I want to be free from it.


Unknown said...

I set it aside for a time but I think it's time to face it &
walk this journey of healing. I'm coming to grips with the pain of
abuse. Trusting God will walk with me or even carry me when I need it.

Anonymous said...

I thought I was ok with women even though I had issues with men because of my abuse. But after I married I realized something was wrong. Everytime I became intimate with a woman I reacted as if I were in the process of being abused again and would respond awkwardly. This was immediately noticed by them and although I could usually explain it away it really bothered me and I'm sure them too.

I am better but still have issues with responding in healthy ways during times of intimacy.