I’ve heard that statement in two different ways. The first came from someone with whom I shared my pain. “You’re pretty well put together.”
I’m not sure what people mean when they say such things. I certainly hope he thought I behaved like a normal person. If I’m emotionally “pretty well put together” it’s because I’ve worked hard to get there.
Another person once said, “I never would have suspected that you had been abused. You’re so normal.”
Frankly, that’s just another dumb thing someone says, probably without thinking. Possibly they’re trying to compliment me and their intent is to say, “You have come a long way.” Or “You’ve triumphed over such a painful childhood and I admire you.”
Maybe that’s what they meant. But it comes across as implying they assume anyone who was abused would remain an emotional cripple.
Regardless, when I hear such things I say to myself, He means well and doesn’t realize how stupid his words sound. I want to give those people the benefit of assuming they meant well.
I can do that now. But a decade ago, such statements hurt. In those days, such words minimized my journey as if to say, “You’re normal so it must not have been too bad.”
It’s so much easier to say, “I’m sorry for what you endured.”
Then I believe they “heard” my pain.
10 comments:
That is one reason I do not share my story with many people. I can't really be upset with them. Until you live through it, I don't think you would ever fully understand it.
And I am glad they do not understand because I would never wish the horror and the nightmares on anyone else. Not even my worse enemy, if I had an enemy. I just want all the memories to go away, but at the same time I want to remember everything so I can 100% believe that it all truly happened, so I can feel sure of myself, and not always feel like a liar.
No one has ever said that to me. but if they did, this would be my response:
Thank you for saying that. That means that i have been successful in my attempts to hide the trauma and all the subsequent after-effects. It is interesting - and also accurate that you say that i "act normal." It has all been an ACT - ever since the first abuse event - acting as if i was OK, acting as if there was nothing wrong, acting as if i didn't know what was wrong with me, acting as if i could still go on with life with no serious issues to interfere with my every relationship, my self-esteem, and my attitude toward God, authority figures, and the world in general.
Lee
Just wondering if it is just me, or if others have the same thing happen. If you happen to let any thoughts of the abuse go through your mind during the day, do you immediately fill a wave of depression come over you, a darkness. It can be a nice sunny day and then this wave of depression will just wreck my day for at least an hour. I'm always thinking back, what could I have done to stop it. I did fight back when my dad raped me, but he held a gun to my head. I still fought because of the tremendous pain, but he slammed my head to the floor and knocked me out. What else could I do?
When will it stop haunting me??????
" If you happen to let any thoughts of the abuse go through your mind during the day, do you immediately fill a wave of depression come over you, a darkness. It can be a nice sunny day and then this wave of depression will just wreck my day for at least an hour."
YES!
For a while I was afraid I was going bi polar. But no, it was just the memories intruding on my life once again to remind me I'm not all that. God has taken the teeth out of those memories. I no longer endure the pain locked in the bathroom crying into a towel to hide the noise. But they still sneak in every now and then, sometimes for no reason, sometimes something will trigger it.
I too have been told I seem so normal and well adjusted. But yes, it's all an act. I have no idea what normal well adjusted looks like. I just mimic those around me and make friendly noise. It's a really weird feeling but it works and I can fool a lot of people if they don't get too close.
But it gets lonely.
Thank you Roger. Who is really normal? Who makes that decision if you are normal or not? I think everybody has some kind of issue. I think we all put on different personas according to who we are around and what the situation is. I know that my wife and kids know me the best, but I know God is the only one that truly truly knows me.
The last paragraph got me
Thank you Monica. I truly believe that we are all special in our own ways. Some of things i experienced were horrible, but I would not be the person I am today if I had not experienced these issues.
And what am I today. Normal. My definition of normal is what I am. I can not be anybody else, I can only be me. I know I have issues, but who doesn't. The abuse has taken too much of my joy, my thoughts, my sleep, my happiness and my peace. I am fighting back. I claim joy through Jesus Christ, I claim the peace that passes all understanding. My abuser is dead and the devil tried to work through my abuser to steal, kill and destroy. Jesus brought me through it all. I win. I am not dead, he is no longer stealing my joy, and the whole experience did not destroy me. I am stronger in spite of it. I believe I was a better father because of it. I am still an over protective parent even though my son's are 20 and 21. I was the best father that I could be. I wanted to be the perfect father, but no one is perfect. Both my sons have accepted Christ, both are in college and both are Eagle Scouts. So here's to you. Dear old dad - the abuser. You tried to kill me and destroy me, but instead you made me a better father than you could ever be, and my sons are better men than you also. You did not destroy me or my family, God took what the devil meant for evil and made it good. Thank you Jesus.
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