Tuesday, July 10, 2018

My Inner Dialogue

A few months after I began my healing journey, I had several dreams one night. In the first, I saw myself as an adult and I held an infant in my arms. I knew it was myself and I said to him, "I'm Cec and you're little Cecil. I'm sorry I wasn't able to take care of you in childhood, but I'm here now."

In the second, little Cecil was maybe six years old. I stroked his cheek and said, "I couldn't help you then, but I'm here now."

In each dream the little child was older. In the final dream, Cecil was a teen. I took his hand and we walked down the street together. "You were so brave," I told him. "You survived and you're healthy. Your brothers didn't make it, but you did. I'm proud of you."

I stopped, turned to him, and hugged him. Then I awakened.

The meaning was obvious, but it started an inner dialogue with me. Even today, years after that dream, I still talk to the boy. I remind him of his survival and thank him for not committing suicide (which he tried to do once).

I like who I am now. I like who I am because that younger self was brave and kept fighting. He didn't let Dad or others defeat him. Growing up, he felt alone and like no one cared.

I'm strong today because he was strong then—even though he didn't realize he was.

All-powerful God, thank you for your strength.
Thank you for enabling my younger self to survive his painful childhood.

* * * * *

This post is excerpted from Cec's new book, More Than Surviving: Courageous Meditations for Men Hurting from Childhood Abuse (Kregel Publications, 2018).


Roger Mann said...

Interesting Cec. I have had similar dreams, different but I came to the same realization. Thanks for sharing.

Mark said...

The past two weeks I've had two dreams that have spoken to the chaos of my childhood home, my not finding a place for my heart to thrive, and my feeling alone and lost.

Both times, I have awakened from the dreams, crying.

Anonymous said...

This is off topic, but I want to express my gratitude to Cecil and Gary Roe for writing "Not Quite Healed". I am halfway thru the book and it has helped me already. One issue that I have been struggling with lately is episodes of anger and cussing while driving down the road. This same scenario is described in the book, and the topic "Am I a real man?". I have struggled with that question forever. I was told that I was not a real man by my molester- so what am I. The answer is all if us men are different and we all define our own masculinity. Thank you again for writing the book. My counselor actually selected it for me and purchased it for me. Thanks again. Good night.

Unknown said...

Roger and Mark, Thanks to both of you. Sorry I'm slow in responding. Good stuff.

Anonymous: thank you for your post. I'm glad it's help you in your healing journey. I remind myself that I am the one who defines whether I'm a man--not my perpetrator. And certainlynot the shameful and guilty feelings of being a survivor.


Anonymous said...

Thank you