Today I spent a few hours babysitting my grandson. I loved it more than I ever thought I would. One thing though that struck me hard, how helpless and small he was. Also how willing to trust me and fall peacefully asleep in my arms.
There was many a year that I spent berating my younger self for allowing the abuse to continue and not speaking out. I felt he was broken and I was angry with him, my small younger self.
As I stared into the tiny trusting eyes and the precious little face, it hit me hard and I began to tear up realizing how helpless, small, weak and clueless I was as a child in the middle of such evil. What else could I have done except survive and try to keep things from becoming worse?
I was just a kid, what did I know of such things or the ramifications of such a wounding of the soul. What does a child know of such things? So once again I feel the need to forgive my younger self. We don't know, what we don't know.
I survived.
3 comments:
thank you for this beautiful testament, Roger. I have had a similar experience with my newborn daughter. her vulnerability, beauty, tenderness, tininess, etc, are all so scary and so beautiful, and they remind me that children are perfect in their weakness. almost nothing is their fault. i can show myself the same grace that i feel so innately that my newborn child deserves.
This is exactly what I've struggled with for years, and right where I am still. A biblical counselor is helping me work through things (and in fact suggested the book, "Unwanted." An excellent read!).
Thank you for this compelling reminder that I need to see myself as you've seen your grandson. Although, I think I'm not yet to the point of forgiving my younger self -- especially because I'm just beginning to understand why I reacted so self-destructively for years, and the shame of it all just keeps coming back to me over & over.
Makes me think... Pilgrim didn't spend much time in the Slough of Despond, did he? That is, before Help arrived. This blog, along with prayer, keeps me from sinking too deeply. Thanks!
Thanks, guys for those encouraging comments. I hope you both can come to see as I have that little boy and teenager did what he felt he had to do to survive. It was not his fault. He was just a kid in a bad situation.
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