Friday, August 27, 2021

 Not sure if this qualifies as healing but...

I've noticed this past year that I'm much more comfortable in my own skin. I had an occasion not too long ago to have to tell my story once again. It had been a while and I approached it with no real nervousness. I made my introduction to the Zoom attendees and began with the account of my abuse in a vague general way. I'm not sure why I was reluctant to admit certain detail but I found myself skirting details. That's when I realized I was feeling the shame all over again when I'd convinced myself it was gone. That not only shocked me but made me a little angry with myself. At that point, I stopped and told them I need to be honest here and really opened up with at least the PG version as I call it. 

I became emotional as I waded into it and I just let the tears flow. I didn't care. It happened, it was bad, I didn't handle it well and it messed me up badly. That said, I'm ok now and I'm working on being better, at a lot of things. 

Life happens, but it's not all bad. I've worked hard to address and repair as much as was within me what was broken and I've had a lot of help from some really great people. I thank God for that often. I thank God for this site and I know I should be here more. It helps. 

I realize I couldn't do this alone. God knows for a while I did try. It was awful. But the support I've had has pushed me to keep reaching for this elusive thing called wellness. People tell me I've come a long way. I'm just glad it shows. I'm too close to the trees sometimes to tell if the forest is still there. 

Thanks for reading this.



Zale Dowlen said...

That's fantastic!

Growing up, everything had to be perfect. I learned that if I couldn't do something perfectly, I better not try, because I simply did not want to live through the inevitable criticism.

Now, I know it's ok to "take a swing", even though, it's not going to be perfect. Good job "taking a swing" at your testimony! That's awesome!

Roger Mann said...

Failure and disappointment still hurts but it's not the end of the world feeling now. That's a wonderful freeing feeling. Thanks for the comment.

DJH said...

I love the story and I'm proud of you for all the work it takes to just get through...

You are becoming a force to be reckoned with!