Friday, May 15, 2020

I have often thought that if I'd had someone to talk to, someone to help me get out of the abuse early I'd have been able to live a more normal life. And I use that word normal loosely.

At one point I likened a child's psyche to wet cement. Things happen when you first pour it out in its form. Someone can step in it and leave a print, throw a rock in it and make a bad imprint. But when it's wet, things can be done to repair it and smooth out the blemishes. Over time though, if nothing is done, it's very difficult to repair the gouges and holes. It can be done but it's a lot of work and will still leave a mark.

I think as I said, kids are like that. Recognize the symptoms of damage and get them help early and they have a chance. Otherwise, as in my case it takes a heck of a lot of work and a long time. The conditioning is deeply ingrained.

Still, scars or no scars help is possible and just needs the will to do the hard work.

Just my thoughts

Wednesday, May 13, 2020

Growing up my worldview was shaped of course, by my parents. As a child, it's all you know. We moved around a lot, sometimes twice in the same year. It seemed like I was eternally the "new kid".  One of the ways it shaped my ideas of boundaries is the way I always seemed to run into other kids who were sexually inquisitive like me. It wasn't until I was in my 60's that I really took a hard look back at that.

As a boy, I assumed because of that every boy or girl was curious about their body and wanted to "play". This occasionally led to some awkward and embarrassing encounters. Someone would say or do something that I would see as an invitation to go further and was surprised to discover that was not the case.

As I look back on memories of my childhood it becomes clear that my father had guided some or maybe a lot of my special friends to me. Some older, some younger and many the same age but all having the same leaning in common. I grew up believing anyone was a potential "playmate". And why wouldn't I?

It really didn't seem strange to me at the time. I had no experiences in which to compare. It just was how things always seemed to develop. So now in looking back, I've begun to see a pattern. I realize this was not normal. That I had been deliberately guided to certain families, certain friends and playmates and provided an opportunity to interact. This is more insidious than I realized. As I got into my pre-teen and early teen years I often caught dad watching or more to the point spying on me and my friends.

So, in my late teens and on I can see how I always seemed to see my friends and acquaintances as sexual beings first. A kind of automatic objectification of those around me. I find this really sad to realize and disappointed that in so many cases it became true and led to promiscuity instead of genuine friendships. Which also seemed to lead to isolation and confusion.

Train up a child in the way it should go and when it is old they will not depart from it. A Biblical instruction that when misused can be horrific. The ability to see this trend early on and do something about it is vital to the health and well being of a person.

More on this later.

Monday, May 4, 2020

Today I spent a few hours babysitting my grandson. I loved it more than I ever thought I would. One thing though that struck me hard, how helpless and small he was. Also how willing to trust me and fall peacefully asleep in my arms.

There was many a year that I spent berating my younger self for allowing the abuse to continue and not speaking out. I felt he was broken and I was angry with him, my small younger self.

As I stared into the tiny trusting eyes and the precious little face, it hit me hard and I began to tear up realizing how helpless, small, weak and clueless I was as a child in the middle of such evil. What else could I have done except survive and try to keep things from becoming worse?

I was just a kid, what did I know of such things or the ramifications of such a wounding of the soul. What does a child know of such things? So once again I feel the need to forgive my younger self. We don't know, what we don't know.

I survived.

Saturday, April 18, 2020

Sorry, this is late, I've been struggling with some health issues. I'm over the worst of it I hope and will be back on a regular basis.

I've been sharing a little with my wife about the book I've been reading. I've mentioned it before in a recent thread. It's a novel approach to healing of sexual brokenness. It's been an eye-opener and as I've looked back at the various behaviors I've fallen into I've realized there was a definite pattern I was playing out through it all.  I've discussed some of this with my wife, things I felt pertinent to our situation and it's brought us to a closer understanding of each other's lives.

This is important to me because it has opened up a possibility of deepening our connection with each other. I find myself more patient with her sharing which she loves to do constantly. Well, maybe a little more patient, it's work but work I now want to do because it's important. I'm still working to opening up to her more but it's now a goal.

And just so you know, it's not like we are all agreeing on everything but I'm noticing less stress when we disagree. I'm trying not to shut her down and walk away as much as I used to. I think shes noticed.

I need connection, she does too. We both go at it differently but I'm working on changing my part. I suspect she will follow suit eventually also.

Tuesday, April 7, 2020


Triangulation syndrome

I've been reading this book, "Unwanted" by Jay Stringer. There's more to the title and I'll try and post it on the site's recommended books. He talks about how sometimes a parent can make a child their idol and become enmeshed emotionally and sometimes more, than with their spouse. I'll quote the paragraph that jumped out at me and got me thinking about me and dad.

"The other way childhood triangulation affects marriage is when you have separated from your parent, but then find yourself incapable of creating an intimate, lasting connection with your spouse. In this example, you find yourself resistant to deep connection, fearing you will be trapped or used all over again. You project onto your spouse that he or she is asking you to play the same enmeshed role your parent did. Once the projection is made, you feel justified, once more, to pursue unwanted sexual behavior."

I suspect the reason for my attachment problem which I shared with my wife, (who btw says explains a lot), is because my dad began using me for his physical intimacy in place of mom. I made no demands, laid no expectations on him and wasn't likely to complain if he wasn't interested. While I felt special and pleased with the secret attention and would imagine it was more than it was, it came at a price. 

Now that I see this I need to work on how to repair it if possible. I may just need to help on this one. I've carried it for a long time. 

Just my thoughts


Saturday, March 21, 2020

Attachment

My wife was complaining the other day that she wants more connection with me. She feels left behind in our relationship. 

I've thought about this a lot yesterday and remembered a book I once read on Attachment disorder. I think I do have this. I never got very attached to my mom. I loved her and I think she loved me but I had no problem leaving her and going off on my own at all. Same with my dad. My sis and I were never really close and often were at odds with each other growing up.

In fact, I can't remember ever being attached or feeling really connected to any degree with anyone. Everyone was at an invisible arms distance. I suspect I really don't know how to really connect with anyone. Could this be some form of Narcissism?

UGH.

And if that's the case, what do I do to change it? Can it be changed? Perhaps my hardware needs a reboot. Or maybe it's my software, the real me inside this hardware I'm walking around in. IDK

And could this be part of the damage from the years of abuse? Something to think about isolated at home.

Just my thoughts

Sunday, March 15, 2020

Why me?

I suppose we all have asked that question from time to time. I pretty much know why me. My father had a predilection for boys. I was born to him and mom and I'm sure he probably wrestled with his demon for some time before giving in. But once he did it was over and my life changed forever. That was my beginning and life as I understood it as a child.

But later, others began to approach me even though I never told anyone. I began to wonder if there was something about me that just screamed: "take me"? It happened so often and in so many different places that I thought maybe there was someone on my forehead that I couldn't see but certain others could.

In talking to others over the years I've discovered similar stories. It's been a topic of discussion several places about whether there is some look or attitude or stereotype that gets targeted that we all fit in.

Whether or not it's the case, it's the cards I was dealt with and now that I'm adult, the choice is mine to be a victim or victorious over it all. It took me a while but I've chosen the latter and have been much happier ever since. Like a friend of mine once said: I won't live in fear, but I won't live in stupid either.

Every day is a new choice and a new victory.