Sorry, this is late, I've been struggling with some health issues. I'm over the worst of it I hope and will be back on a regular basis.
I've been sharing a little with my wife about the book I've been reading. I've mentioned it before in a recent thread. It's a novel approach to healing of sexual brokenness. It's been an eye-opener and as I've looked back at the various behaviors I've fallen into I've realized there was a definite pattern I was playing out through it all. I've discussed some of this with my wife, things I felt pertinent to our situation and it's brought us to a closer understanding of each other's lives.
This is important to me because it has opened up a possibility of deepening our connection with each other. I find myself more patient with her sharing which she loves to do constantly. Well, maybe a little more patient, it's work but work I now want to do because it's important. I'm still working to opening up to her more but it's now a goal.
And just so you know, it's not like we are all agreeing on everything but I'm noticing less stress when we disagree. I'm trying not to shut her down and walk away as much as I used to. I think shes noticed.
I need connection, she does too. We both go at it differently but I'm working on changing my part. I suspect she will follow suit eventually also.
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
I've been reading this book, "Unwanted" by Jay Stringer. There's more to the title and I'll try and post it on the site's recommended books. He talks about how sometimes a parent can make a child their idol and become enmeshed emotionally and sometimes more, than with their spouse. I'll quote the paragraph that jumped out at me and got me thinking about me and dad.
"The other way childhood triangulation affects marriage is when you have separated from your parent, but then find yourself incapable of creating an intimate, lasting connection with your spouse. In this example, you find yourself resistant to deep connection, fearing you will be trapped or used all over again. You project onto your spouse that he or she is asking you to play the same enmeshed role your parent did. Once the projection is made, you feel justified, once more, to pursue unwanted sexual behavior."
I suspect the reason for my attachment problem which I shared with my wife, (who btw says explains a lot), is because my dad began using me for his physical intimacy in place of mom. I made no demands, laid no expectations on him and wasn't likely to complain if he wasn't interested. While I felt special and pleased with the secret attention and would imagine it was more than it was, it came at a price.
Now that I see this I need to work on how to repair it if possible. I may just need to help on this one. I've carried it for a long time.
Just my thoughts