Saturday, March 21, 2020

Attachment

My wife was complaining the other day that she wants more connection with me. She feels left behind in our relationship. 

I've thought about this a lot yesterday and remembered a book I once read on Attachment disorder. I think I do have this. I never got very attached to my mom. I loved her and I think she loved me but I had no problem leaving her and going off on my own at all. Same with my dad. My sis and I were never really close and often were at odds with each other growing up.

In fact, I can't remember ever being attached or feeling really connected to any degree with anyone. Everyone was at an invisible arms distance. I suspect I really don't know how to really connect with anyone. Could this be some form of Narcissism?

UGH.

And if that's the case, what do I do to change it? Can it be changed? Perhaps my hardware needs a reboot. Or maybe it's my software, the real me inside this hardware I'm walking around in. IDK

And could this be part of the damage from the years of abuse? Something to think about isolated at home.

Just my thoughts

Sunday, March 15, 2020

Why me?

I suppose we all have asked that question from time to time. I pretty much know why me. My father had a predilection for boys. I was born to him and mom and I'm sure he probably wrestled with his demon for some time before giving in. But once he did it was over and my life changed forever. That was my beginning and life as I understood it as a child.

But later, others began to approach me even though I never told anyone. I began to wonder if there was something about me that just screamed: "take me"? It happened so often and in so many different places that I thought maybe there was someone on my forehead that I couldn't see but certain others could.

In talking to others over the years I've discovered similar stories. It's been a topic of discussion several places about whether there is some look or attitude or stereotype that gets targeted that we all fit in.

Whether or not it's the case, it's the cards I was dealt with and now that I'm adult, the choice is mine to be a victim or victorious over it all. It took me a while but I've chosen the latter and have been much happier ever since. Like a friend of mine once said: I won't live in fear, but I won't live in stupid either.

Every day is a new choice and a new victory.

Monday, March 9, 2020

January has always been a difficult month for me. It's the month so many life-changing things happened. I admit I've not always handled it well. This past January and February was no exception.

That said, I've found a peace that I was not expecting. I've learned or been forced to learn to lean on my faith and my wife for support. I wish I could say all my close friends were there for me but I really don't have any. That's my fault. I don't reach out and I'm not good and making friends. A life long habit of keeping secrets and people at a distance is difficult to break.

We've just made the move to a new church and it occurs to me that this might be a good time to start developing some relationships with neighbors and good men in our new fellowship. Maybe it's time to let others see more of the real me. I know that I've never felt so isolated as I had this last month and it didn't feel good.

I can learn a lot from others and perhaps it's not too late to find a few good dependable friends. I know at my age group there still are some good people out there. Being alone felt safe but it really wasn't. And perhaps safe is not a good way to live anyway. That's just existing and I'm finding I really want to live.

Just my thoughts.

Thursday, February 13, 2020

Fallout

My son took his own life last month from depression probably caused by being off his meds and family problems. He just couldn't cope. He was 48 years old and had a history of emotional and mental problems. He came into my life during the worst times of me dealing or rather not dealing with the effects of my own abuse from my father. I pushed him away and tried to avoid dealing with him and anything else due to deep denial. By the time I realized I had serious problems and began to seek help, he was already in his late teens and into drugs and alcohol.

While I wish I had sought help sooner, I just had not had any luck with counsellors and psychologists. The one time I was asked about my relationship with my father, I couldn't speak and almost passed out in her office. I never went back.

I can't help blaming myself for much of his early problems. I just was not ready to be a father and I knew it. It's a terrible tragedy and I will live with the regrets and remorse for failing him for the rest of my life. This stuff is far more damaging than I could ever have believed. There is much collateral damage from childhood sexual abuse, more than can be realized in one lifetime.

I did much better with my second son born eight years later. It's one of my better qualities that I can learn from my errors.

Wednesday, January 1, 2020


Happy New Year everyone.

This has been a decade of learning, growing, relapse, repair, and reassessment. I got married again this last decade. Something I said I’d never do again. For a couple of years, I feared I’d made a huge mistake but I vowed to hang in as long as I could. We are going on for nine years this coming March. I’ve grown, I’ve learned I still can change for the better. I also learned I was not as “over it” as I thought I was. That was disappointing. But I’m now doing so much better than I ever thought I would so I’m glad I stuck it out.

Jan. 10th is coming up again and the anniversary of my parent’s death and also my oldest son’s wedding. Very mixed feelings there. This time of year is tough but I think having a job and other distractions have helped distract me from the usual depression. I think I’ll get through it ok but I’ll still avoid the mother’s day and father’s day hoopla at church if I can. It doesn’t help.

This year I went back home to see relatives and to visit my parent’s gravesite. I was unable to do it alone as it is in such a weird place, I’d have easily gotten lost. No major scene as there were other with me so I didn’t feel like I could say what I wanted. It’s the first time I’d been there since they died in ’95.

This year looks like it will be even better. The decade not so much for the world. The world is in big trouble. Anyway, I’ll stop for now and just say Happy New Year and wish all who stop in a very prosperous and healthy new year in every sense of those words.

God bless us everyone.

Roger

“Life is a test of Character, not Skill”