Thursday, February 13, 2020

Fallout

My son took his own life last month from depression probably caused by being off his meds and family problems. He just couldn't cope. He was 48 years old and had a history of emotional and mental problems. He came into my life during the worst times of me dealing or rather not dealing with the effects of my own abuse from my father. I pushed him away and tried to avoid dealing with him and anything else due to deep denial. By the time I realized I had serious problems and began to seek help, he was already in his late teens and into drugs and alcohol.

While I wish I had sought help sooner, I just had not had any luck with counsellors and psychologists. The one time I was asked about my relationship with my father, I couldn't speak and almost passed out in her office. I never went back.

I can't help blaming myself for much of his early problems. I just was not ready to be a father and I knew it. It's a terrible tragedy and I will live with the regrets and remorse for failing him for the rest of my life. This stuff is far more damaging than I could ever have believed. There is much collateral damage from childhood sexual abuse, more than can be realized in one lifetime.

I did much better with my second son born eight years later. It's one of my better qualities that I can learn from my errors.

3 comments:

Preston Hill said...

Roger, thank you for this brave and vulnerable post. It was moving to witness in this post to the life of your son and his intersection with your own story. I'm sorry for the heartache you both have endured. I could hear your love for him coming through your words. I also heard in this post the love and honor you are worthy of for how you have loved your second son. There is a mix of sorrow and love in recognizing how you learned from your own errors, and yet how what caused you those errors should never have been your burden. All I can say is a million miles of grace and love to you all. Thank you for this breathtaking post.

Mark said...

I'm so sorry.

Zale Dowlen said...

Roger, that's extremely hard to deal with. Thank you for sharing.