Monday, June 1, 2020

Control

One of the first things I've noticed in all of this COVID-19 nonsense is the growing feeling of a loss of control. Control has always been an issue in my life. As a kid, of course, there is no control. I was at my parent's discretion on what happened to me and how I was allowed to respond.

As a teenager, we start getting a little more control of our lives but in my case, my father being a pastor and all I was under an extra demand to be an example of what his teachings were all about. And then there was the other stuff that was going on that I was under an imperative to keep the secret.

When I left home at 18 for college, I pretty much went out of control. I went to movies, dances, parties, and listened to that awful music on the radio of the 60's and 70's. Really terrible stuff right?

Well, having my sexuality manipulated like dad did, I also explored a lot of things I'd only heard about. I was not a good Bible College Student and left after a year and went to Southern California. Again, not good, but I felt in control for the first time in my life. It was an illusion but I still bought it.

Now with all this pandemic stuff, those old feelings are creeping back up on me. I'm fighting to remember that God is still in control and he is not my earthly father. I can trust Him.

The world right not seems out of control. That's a trigger for sure, but I can work through that now. It's taken a lot of work and counselling but I'm in a good place now if I can just stay there.

3 comments:

Zale Dowlen, Attorney, MBA said...

Hi Roger:

Somewhere along the way, I never caught the fact that your perpetrating dad, was also a pastor. That packs a "double whammy". Your Father Wound was a reflection on men, your father figure and your Heavenly Father. I am so sorry.

I was perpetrated on by a pastor, but he was not my father. It may be remotely similar to your situation, but does not come close.

I applaud your healing. I applaud that you can still discuss faith in light of those facts. The enemy did NOT prevail. I know there's still healing to come, but I applaud your journey to this point.

You mentioned being "out of control" in college. That may be true, but we also can't beat ourselves up for the people life tried to make us be. Abuse brings some predictable outcomes, which what you described is one of them. So, while you were making choices, you were also predisposed to those negative behaviors. Does that excuse them? No. Does that help us understand that we are not bad people because we did what our parents and family "programmed" us to do? Yes.

Zale

Roger Mann said...

Thank you Zale for that. It's been difficult to separate all the emotions and paradoxes this has imposed on me. As my father he was important to my survival and he taught me much that was still good. As my perp,he was untouchable because he was my father. As my Pastor and a "Man of God" I was to honor him not matter what because of his position regardless of what he asked me to do. His contradictions were inexplicable to me as a child, a teen, and as even an adult. I couldn't reconcile any of it so for most of my life, it just never happened.

Well, as you know, that doesn't fly forever. Thank God I was able to get help and am healing continually over the rest of my life. I'll probably working and sorting all this out for the rest of my life.

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