I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

Same-Sex Attraction

(By Cecil Murphey)

As a child who never experienced love or affection from this father, I was easily marked for victimization. But more than that, I gravitated toward any male who showed me affection. Mr. Lee, the pedophile who molested me, intuitively grasped my neediness.

For a long time I struggled with an attraction for any man who reached out to me. As a young adult, I didn't yield but the feelings and the temptations were there. Of all the residual effects of sexual abuse, same-sex attraction has been for me the most shameful.

I blamed myself for being needy and vulnerable.

As an adult, I've learned to say that I had what someone has called "a father wound" and another refers to as his "father hole." It's that inborn need for a healthy, significant male figure in my childhood. I needed affection and the loving physical touch of a caring man.

If that hole isn't filled in a healthy way, acting on same-sex attraction is one way to get a temporary fix—a very temporary fix.

I think of a woman who came to my office years ago. She had gone through countless affairs and said, "I wanted love and I settled for sex."

That's the sad story of too many abused men.

The things that have an unhealthy attraction for me 
point to those unmet needs of my childhood.

(This post was adapted from Not Quite Healed, written by Cecil Murphey and Gary Roe.)


Carolyn Byers Ruch said...

Thank you for being real, vulnerable, honest. I will pray that many read these words and know they're not alone.

Anonymous said...

Relating to this this morning. Struggling with attraction towards my 2 closest male friends who are the ones who are helping me to face the pain of my abuse, and the sexual addiction to porn, fantasy, masturbation.
They are happily, healthily married. I don't WANT something physical with them - but the battle with my feelings is intense right now.
Causes me to feel shame, self-contempt - that I want to keep away from them - and thus hide from myself what I'm feeling.