I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

"I Struggle with Same-sex Attractions"

(This amazingly transparent comment comes from a man named Mark, and he has given me permission to print it. Cec.)

I read your post, "Something is wrong with me," Throughout my entire childhood, the memories of my abuse were pleasurable in my mind. They represented acceptance from my teenaged abuser at a level that I never found elsewhere.

I struggle with same-sex attractions. In recent days I am finally seeing that every time I meet a man—whether at church, at my favorite coffee bar, my recovery meetings, or just passing on the street—I look to see if there's something that will attract me.

My friends are godly men, married, and with families. At times, I've been attracted to them physically and emotionally—craving their touch, attention, and approval.

Even though I know it's wrong, if I were to put myself in the wrong situation, I could choose homosexual activity with a man. By God's grace and protection, I have not made that choice in more than 10 years. But it continues to happen in my mind.

I'm entering a point in my journey where those around me cannot walk with me. Their responses to their own abuse have been different. I know God is always with me. But I long for more than Him. I long for strong arms to hold me. I long for strong fingers to brush away my tears and for a strong chest to lay my head against.

When I'm completely honest, I know that none of my longings are about homosexuality. I'm longing for what I've always yearned for—which my father was unable or unwilling to provide. I long for the expressions of intimacy that were withheld from me, and which, in turn, made my sexual abuse seem so good.

I'm really hurting. And yes, only God can touch this place. Is He good enough? Is He God enough, to touch this place? My years of "church training" make me want to automatically answer, "Of course."

I may be wrong, but out of respect for the lonely, hurt child within, I am not going to answer that question. I'm going to allow it to stand, unanswered: "Is God good enough to touch this place I've been afraid to let go of, since I was 5 years old?"





5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mark,

I don't know whether your same-sex attraction is true homosexuality or just an echo from your past, but I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with being gay.

I am not gay but I've had good friends, classmates and coworkers who are and I never thought any less of them than I thought of my straight friends and acquaintances.

God did not write the Bible. PEOPLE wrote the Bible and like all people, they had flaws and biases. There is no reason to believe that God dislikes or disapproves of homosexuality.

I think you should take some time to work out your feelings about the abuse and to heal before getting into a serious relationship with a man OR a woman.

All that aside, I just want you to know that YOU ARE A VALUABLE PERSON WHO IS WORTHY OF ALL THE LOVE AND AFFECTION IN THE WORLD, REGARDLESS OF YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCE.

I doubt you learned that growing up and it may not be what you hear from some of the people in your life but I believe it with all my heart.

Write it down and repeat it to yourself over and over, as many times as it takes for you to believe it, too.

I wish you nothing but peace, happiness and healing.

Andrew Schmutzer said...

Thanks for your profound honesty and such deep respect for your 5 year old child.

As a fellow survivor and Christian, I resonate with your struggle to find God adequate, yet not abandoning the testimony of your Creator and Redeemer, not the fellowship of other Christians.

Thanks for sharing your opinion Anonymous, but I choose to believe what the Bible claims about itself--that it is God's truth, not man's fabrications--regarding the Designer and Designed, sexuality and evil.

You've blessed me.

Anonymous said...

I completely relate to your post. I struggled for 60 years, grieving that I had no memory of being held or loved by my father. I was sent to a Christian school the summer I turned 17. I rode the Greyhound bus. I went to the restroom in the station. I've blocked some of the memory out, but I know a MAN an ADULT MALE showed interest in me in there and I went into a stall with him. I have no memory of what actually happened in the stall, but as I recall I was the one standing, not the one sitting. I do remember walking back into the waiting room and wondering if everybody in the room knew what had happened to me. I was hooked. I had something some men desired and I had longed for masculine acceptance. I never told anyone about this until the winter of 2013. And in telling it, I began to realize that I didn't start my same-sex attraction, although I had made choices all my life. Telling a counselor about it and realizing that I was seeking masculine acceptance all along was the beginning of my recovery. For the first time in my life I'm feeling like a man. I never wanted to be "gay"; I wanted to be a man and be a "normal" man. God in His grace is beginning to bring it about. Sex was not the basic issue; never being held by a father was the issue.

Cec Murphey said...

Of all the topics I've written about on this blog, this has received the most emotional attention. I've had six personal emails from men as well as the posts above.

For those of you who responded, thank you for your courage in doing that. For most men in our culture, this is probably the most difficult issue to talk about.

As long as we keep it a secret, it will continue to chain us. I admire those of you who have broken through and shared your agony.

Cec


Anonymous said...

I am the one who posted the Greyhound restroom event.

I submit that for healing to begin, same-sex desires must be talked about with a counselor and the issue of how and where these desires began. I know some will say there is nothing wrong with same-sex desires, but for me it was a horror that I kept being drawn back to. Had I told anyone at the Christian school what I was dealing with, I would have been given a one way ticket to hell and then sent home. At home my step-father would have given me another one way ticket to hell. What grace that didn't allow that to happen! I struggled, yes, but God had me to himself after my wife die, and in His great kindness and amazing grace, he began to cause me to trust first my pastor and second a godly counselor who took Scriptures and showed me God's grace and protection in my life. There is hope. It will be a struggle, but there is progress toward success with each step.