I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

Hardcore Porn

(This post comes from Mark.)

I just reread your chapter "I'm Addicted to Pornography" in Not Quite Healed. Recently I got a cell phone. Last night I used it to access some hard-core, gay porn sites. I didn't want to, but I wanted to. Yes, in this area, I'm still a divided man.

I had not seen any hardcore porn for three years. (I say hardcore, because seeing a man's picture in the weekly Walmart flyer can serve as porn for me. My imagination can fill in what my eyes do not see.)

After church this morning, I confessed to my sponsor. He was gentle with me. Thanked me for confessing to him. Told me I hadn't had to take that choice. He asked me if I'd been able to confess to God (I had) and reminded me that whether I feel it, or not, I am forgiven.

He asked if I would be comfortable handing over my phone for his wife to see if she could install blocks to prevent a recurrence. I was, and I did. For me, the only other option would be to get rid of the phone. I cannot have devices that allow me that kind of access. (My sponsor's wife had already put Net Nanny on my computer, and she holds the passwords - that gives me a lot of protection when I'm on-line with my computer.)

My sponsor put his arm around me and prayed, acknowledging before God that I was hurting. He also told me he loved me. Touch and speaking the words "I love you" are not easy for my sponsor. Like me, he is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, family dysfunction, and addiction.

This afternoon, my sponsor's wife has sent me an email, expressing her words of encouragement.

Why am I writing all this to you? I appreciate that your book deals with issues such as pornography by sharing real experiences from real men. And writing this to you is another way of helping me to face the reality of what I did, in the light, rather than cower from it in the darkness.

I found it to be no accident that part of this morning's message in church dealt with Philippians 1:6: being confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will carry it out until the day of Jesus Christ.

During my teen years, when I lived in a dark world of sexual sin and brokenness that I cannot put into words, God used that verse repeatedly to let me know that my life would not always be lived in that hell.

And this morning, hours after falling back into the sin of hardcore gay porn, God literally displayed those same words across the screen of my church.

As I look back at a very rough day, I see that God has responded to my failure with gentleness, tenderness, compassion, and restoration. All day long He has been saying, "Son, I love you."

2 comments:

Joseph said...

Brother, you did the right thing, and I know you are thankful that you did. I have my accountability partner question me about Facebook and Craig's List because CovenantEyes does not catch certain things searched for. The amazing thing is that God holds on to us who desire a relationship with Him. He is faithful and will complete the good work that He has begun in our lives. Thank you for sharing. Many others will connected with what you wrote. Never give up.

Mark said...

Joseph, thank you for your encouragement. I love your words "God holds on to us."