One effect of my early childhood sexual abuse has been self-loathing. For the longest time I didn’t understand that was what I was dealing with. I thought I was just so messed up that I didn’t deserve the air I was breathing. I constantly compared myself to others, especially men, and I never measured up. The problem with that perspective is that it kept me from being the best me that I could be.
Self-loathing is an emotional habit rooted in envy. As a child my body was never as big as the men who abused me. They were taller, stronger, and their genitalia were bigger. I could never measure up. I can see clearly now that my lifetime of irrational comparisons was founded in those moments of abuse in which I was weaker and the abusers stronger. It wasn’t a fair fight. I was a child.
My continuum of self-loathing ran from a minor comparison of hair or height to athleticism or financial status. At best, it caused an irritation. At worst, it caused deep anxiety and self-destructive behavior such as addiction or depression. A few times I was so distressed by not being like someone else that I despaired and could have taken my life.
The cure for self-loathing I have found, is to recognize that envy hurts me. I am learning to celebrate myself—my body, and my lot in life. What I have is what I have. Comparing myself to others causes me to devalue myself. As I grow in recovery my goal is to love and appreciate who I am and to resist falling into the abyss of self-loathing.
Self-loathing is an emotional habit rooted in envy. As a child my body was never as big as the men who abused me. They were taller, stronger, and their genitalia were bigger. I could never measure up. I can see clearly now that my lifetime of irrational comparisons was founded in those moments of abuse in which I was weaker and the abusers stronger. It wasn’t a fair fight. I was a child.
My continuum of self-loathing ran from a minor comparison of hair or height to athleticism or financial status. At best, it caused an irritation. At worst, it caused deep anxiety and self-destructive behavior such as addiction or depression. A few times I was so distressed by not being like someone else that I despaired and could have taken my life.
The cure for self-loathing I have found, is to recognize that envy hurts me. I am learning to celebrate myself—my body, and my lot in life. What I have is what I have. Comparing myself to others causes me to devalue myself. As I grow in recovery my goal is to love and appreciate who I am and to resist falling into the abyss of self-loathing.
3 comments:
John Joseph, I relate to everything you say. I measured masculinity by what hung between a man’s legs, never realizing for many years that true masculinity was a matter of the heart. But we were conditioned–at least I was–by what happened to us to make comparisons of what we thought we lacked and what we supposed other men had that was bigger and better. I went through much of my life crotch-watching, checking out packages, wondering what was underneath. Facing all that and discussing it with a wonderful, non-judgmental counselor and with a young, understanding and compassionate pastor helped tear down walls and break chains. Within this past year, I went with a group of Christian men to South America for a week and bunked with 2 other men while there. It was so good to be in a room with men and feel normal and accepted by my brothers. And I knew the walls were down and chains broken because I had no desire to make comparisons about anything. We were brothers in Christ and there was real fellowship and bonding. God’s been so good! So good!
For many years I thought other boys/men got some kind of book on masculinity or what it means to be a man. They all knew the right things to say, do, and all the right attitudes and places to go, what to wear etc. the list goes on. I felt lost; had no clue as to my identity. It was all a big mystery to me.
This led to a lot of self loathing. I used humor to ease the pain but the pain was always there when I was around other men.
Finding a good recovery program that helped me see that was all in my head what huge to me. I still occasionally will feel intimidated by other men for various reasons but it has become less and less a factor in how I relate.
One other thing that was a huge help was Neil Anderson's "Victory over the Darkness". In it he has about 3 pages on what God says about me. I have read that again and again and have it book marked. God is good, and HE is crazy about me. I remember that when these emotions try to resurface.
Roger
My very good friend is in a psychiatric hospital under suicide watch. He is dealing with long-time issues from male sexual abuse as a child. There seem to be no male survivor groups in the Houston area...nor any therapists that deal specifically with that particular male issue. Can you help?
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