(This post comes to us from Mark Cooper.)
I struggle with homosexual attractions, fantasy, and masturbation. Because of my Christian beliefs, I see this as sin.
I have finally admitted a long-seeded desire for revenge, especially against the older brother who abused me. He had more power.
As a “good boy” who grew up to become a man committed to presenting a good front, I stuffed my anger and desire for revenge. Sexual sin has been my drug to dull my anger. Sexual addiction is a result of the deeper issue, my anger.
In a moment of insight I’ve seen an issue that runs even deeper than my anger. That is my experience of being powerless when I was abused.
Every time the truth of my powerlessness hits, I feel terror. I can’t face that terror for longer than a few seconds. Then I pull away from both the reality of the powerlessness and the resulting terror. Anger kicks back in. The layers of self-protection begin again.