Tuesday, November 1, 2016

My Struggle

(This post comes to us from Mark Cooper.)

I struggle with homosexual attractions, fantasy, and masturbation. Because of my Christian beliefs, I see this as sin.

I have finally admitted a long-seeded desire for revenge, especially against the older brother who abused me. He had more power.

As a “good boy” who grew up to become a man committed to presenting a good front, I stuffed my anger and desire for revenge. Sexual sin has been my drug to dull my anger. Sexual addiction is a result of the deeper issue, my anger.

In a moment of insight I’ve seen an issue that runs even deeper than my anger. That is my experience of being powerless when I was abused.

Every time the truth of my powerlessness hits, I feel terror. I can’t face that terror for longer than a few seconds. Then I pull away from both the reality of the powerlessness and the resulting terror. Anger kicks back in. The layers of self-protection begin again.

1 comment:

Joseph said...

Man, do I relate to your post! I was 16 when I was introduced to sex by a man--a stranger in a bus station men's room. But when I remember the event, I see a 12 year old boy coming out of the men's room and wondering if everyone in the waiting room knew what had happened. I had been sent away to a boarding school in another state. A kid who had never been allowed to associated with other boys because they might be a bad influence on me. I longed for male companionship, so in the men's room I discovered I had something that would bring me male companionship. So help me, at first I didn't know it was wrong. But that started my cruising for companionship. A few years ago, I started call it "Looking for Daddy in the Men's Room," which is what it was. I sought our older, fatherly men who would were looking to give oral sex to younger men. But I began to hate it. Tragically, although hating it, I kept cruising. That and masturbation was fatal to a normal sexual relationship with my wife. Finally, after a lifetime of vagabonding, God found me in widowed loneliness, and gently brought me to a counselor and a pathway of healing.