I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

My Struggle

(This post comes to us from Mark Cooper.)

I struggle with homosexual attractions, fantasy, and masturbation. Because of my Christian beliefs, I see this as sin.

I have finally admitted a long-seeded desire for revenge, especially against the older brother who abused me. He had more power.

As a “good boy” who grew up to become a man committed to presenting a good front, I stuffed my anger and desire for revenge. Sexual sin has been my drug to dull my anger. Sexual addiction is a result of the deeper issue, my anger.

In a moment of insight I’ve seen an issue that runs even deeper than my anger. That is my experience of being powerless when I was abused.

Every time the truth of my powerlessness hits, I feel terror. I can’t face that terror for longer than a few seconds. Then I pull away from both the reality of the powerlessness and the resulting terror. Anger kicks back in. The layers of self-protection begin again.

1 comment:

Joseph said...

Man, do I relate to your post! I was 16 when I was introduced to sex by a man--a stranger in a bus station men's room. But when I remember the event, I see a 12 year old boy coming out of the men's room and wondering if everyone in the waiting room knew what had happened. I had been sent away to a boarding school in another state. A kid who had never been allowed to associated with other boys because they might be a bad influence on me. I longed for male companionship, so in the men's room I discovered I had something that would bring me male companionship. So help me, at first I didn't know it was wrong. But that started my cruising for companionship. A few years ago, I started call it "Looking for Daddy in the Men's Room," which is what it was. I sought our older, fatherly men who would were looking to give oral sex to younger men. But I began to hate it. Tragically, although hating it, I kept cruising. That and masturbation was fatal to a normal sexual relationship with my wife. Finally, after a lifetime of vagabonding, God found me in widowed loneliness, and gently brought me to a counselor and a pathway of healing.