"It's the past. Forget it and move on," my youngest brother, Chuck, said to me. We had both been sexually assaulted by the same person. He didn't admit being sexually molested, but he didn't deny it either. On the few occasions when I tried to talk to him about it, his answer was, (1) "You can't undo the past," (2) "We don't have to think about those things," or (3) "That stuff happened back then." His words implied that we need only to forget the past, leave it behind, and it's gone.
If only it were that simple.
Chuck died after years of trying to cure his pain through alcohol. I don't know if the pain he tried to medicate was the abuse, but I suspect it was. On rare occasions when he was drunk, he made oblique references to "that mess in childhood."
Outwardly, Chuck wanted to get past the sexual molestation and get on with his life. So why didn't he "move on" with his life?
I had a second brother named Mel, also an alcoholic. He was married five times and died of cirrhosis at age 48. Unlike Chuck, Mel wouldn't talk about our childhood. "There's nothing back there to talk about," was the most he ever said.
I write about my two brothers because both of them seemed determined to get past the abuse of childhood by forgetting, denying, or ignoring. That approach doesn't work.
We don't forget—not really. We don't forget because childhood abuse affects our lives and shapes our attitudes about people and relationships. Some guys want to hurry and get over it, but it's not something to get over and to move on.
Abuse happened to us. Until we accept it and face what it has done to our lives, we don't really move forward. We only live unhealed lives.
6 comments:
I think we all go through different mental gymnastics to deal with what happened to us. Mine was pretty intense and lasted throughout my childhood till I left home. I said 'No more' and pretended I had a great life, great childhood, and was untouched. At times I even told myself it gave me a perspective on things that helped me.
My life, however was totally messed up and my perspectives on interpersonal relationships was so badly skewed I was socially awkward and deep down knew it. Today I still read, pray, and visit regularly groups and websites that provide encouragement, counseling, and support for men who have been abused in this way.
Denial got me into a lot of trouble. Not only was I not able to successfully stay married and faithful but I became worse at everything I tried. I failed as a husband, father, friend and Christian.
It wasn't until I accepted I was horribly broken and could not fix myself alone that I began to heal and settle down to a healthy lifestyle. God did not take me out of my misery and pain but walked me through it. I think that's the key. Facing the worst no matter how painful and walking through it I became stronger as a husband, father, friend and Christian.
I look back and see growth I never thought was possible. I am grateful for those I reached out to and were there to teach me to walk again through life instead of running from it.
Roger, Your candor is great. Thank you for opening up and thus, encouraging others to realize they're not the only ones who feel that way.
"God did not take me out of my misery and pain but walked me through it." -Yes, yes, yes!"
Good point, Mark. Thanks.
Mark, I just visited your website slingshotscribe. All I can say is amazing and thank you for sharing. I was sexually abused / raped by my dad too. I feel the inner rage a lot just like you described. My dad is also dead, but I still absolutely cuss him out. Thank you for couRAGEously sharing. May God richly bless you and your work on your website. Thank you again.
Anonymous, thank you for your comment; I'm glad you enjoyed "slingshotscribe." I think it is wonderful how God uses us telling our stories to bring healing to ourselves and encouragement to others.
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