One of the most difficult (and painful) steps is to identify ourselves by name. I can still remember—vividly—what it was like to give my name to a group of men, all of whom had been sexually molested.
Identifying myself and not worrying who knew was a powerful healing step.
Here’s something I’d like some of you readers to respond to: Tell us your experience in telling about yourself. When was the first public admission? What brought it about? How did you feel?
As you do so, think about the newer readers of this blog. Think how you could help them by sharing your experience.
21 comments:
Wow, it's been a while since I first did that. We were in a meeting for a series based on the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge. I will never forget the chapter on 'father wounds'. I skipped it because I didn't want to go there; afraid of what I might disclose. I went the next week only to find out they had skipped a week and this was the chapter they were on now. I took it as a sign that perhaps it was time to tell. It was VERY painful. Just saying it out loud to four other strangers I had known only a few weeks made me not want to go back. But I did and after I felt a huge weight gone I had not known I carried.
A year or so later I shared with my church at the Pastor's request as illustration for his sermon. I reluctantly had agreed and I thought it went ok till I was off stage. I sat down on the floor and cried. The reality was no longer to be ignored and I could not pretend to forget it as a bad dream. It had happened, it was me, I was raped.
Not too long ago, maybe 6 years, I gave up my cyber identity and just decided to be Roger. It was a step of acceptance of who I am. It wasn't me. It was something that happened TO me. I was not bad, I had bad things happen. I was a good kid. I had a bad father. Period.
Roger, thank you. I've admired your openness since you first revealed yourself to me and readers of this blog.
Years ago, after I finally told my story, I jokingly said, "No one can ever blackmail me. It's all out there." I meant those words. No longer did I have to withhold my pain or the pain of my abuse.
I've been thinking a lot about revealing who I am, I am just too scared of what people will think of my family. I have revealed my abuse to a handful of people, I'm just not ready to put it in writing here because I feel like someone I may know may read this. I don't know why, but I don't want to destroy the memory of my dad in the eyes of so many people. I truly think that he was a sick person and consumed by the devil. Still there was a part of him I loved. My dad and I were in an automobile accident when I was around 2 years old. There are pictures of me and him that looks like he loved me. I think both of my parents blamed me for the accident. I feel out of the seat in his truck and he reached to grab me and lost control. He almost died and had to have surgery on his face and jaw. I was not in a seatbelt. I think that was before seatbelts were mandatory. My dad suffered from schizophrenia, paranoia and bi-polar. His mother also suffered from mental issues. She tried to drawn my aunt, kill my grandfather, etc. As punishment, she would lock my dad and brothers in a closet. She was sent to an institution. My father committed suicide in 2001. After his death, it was like a locked door was opened and all the memories came flooding back. I thought I was going crazy and went to a counselor for months. All I could think about was committing suicide because I felt like trash, and I did not want to bring shame on my family. That is why it is so hard to tell people my name and what happened. I feel so shameful and I am afraid if someone confronted me in a negative way that I would commit suicide.
Anonymous, thank you for clarifying. That helps a great deal. When you're ready, you'll speak up.
My mother was my first abuser. Although my older sisters understood she was the perpetrator, out of deferment to them I chose to say "a female relative." All three of my sisters have now died, which frees me to name her. I still have nephews and nieces, but I doubt that any of them read this blog. Even so, I don't feel I need to protect them. So I'm free to speak openly.
Anonymous, your story--like those of many others--is poignant, and saddened me. What a heavy burden you've had to carry. I hope we on this loop can help you carry part of that.
Cec
Thank you for understanding.
Another reason that I cannot boldly state my name along with the story of my dad abusing me is I am not 100% sure it happened. I don't want to accuse somebody even if they are dead with such a crime if I am not 100% sure. My biggest problem is self doubt. I don't believe myself and this self doubt affects my entire being. I need prayer, please.
Once again I appreciate this anonymous blog. You guys are the only ones I can really talk to. My wife listens but her response has been, that's still bothering you. I do not want to burden her with this burden even though she is always always always there for me. She wants to fix it and take away the pain, but she doesn't know how to and I don't either.
Anonymous, Thanks for being honest here and sharing your heart. Really appreciate your honesty.
Perhaps it's just may way of thinking, but I don't believe the pain will ever "just go away". It has to be worked through--almost as if you have to intentionally suffer through it again. For me, my memories have always been with me--there probably isn't a day where I don't remember what happened to me. But remembering the events and processing them are two different things. As my pastor would say, "Just as Jesus could only defeat death after first passing through death, for us, glory is on the other side of our suffering. We have to endure the suffering, just as Christ endured his own abuse." I know it's difficult--I really do--It's so painful to have peel away the walls we built to survive, for what's behind those walls is what is most terrifying to us. I'm no where near finished with healing, but I'm not a used, abused, weak, and helpless child anymore--neither are you. There is hope for healing, a way there where there seems no way, a light that shatters the grip of darkness. Never doubt when you feel God pushing in your gut for healing--he wants you to overcome. Not to just "forget about it" or "get over it", but to acknowledge it, accept it, and overcome it. Keep moving forward.
Thank you Noah
Anonymous, I wanted to respond to your comments about your wife's response. After I told my wife, I sensed that she didn't realized how serious it was. I said to her, "I need you to listen to me and to understand my pain. If you don't, when this is over, we'll still be married but you won't know who I am."
Tears filled her eyes, and she said, "I do want to know, but I don't know what to do."
"Listen is all. Just listen. And love me."
And she did.
Cec
Keep in mind when posting anything on the internet that it is not completely anonymous. If anyone REALLY wants to find you and where you have been on the net and what you have written it is possible. VERY difficult but not impossible. I totally understand someone not wanting to put themselves out there.
Also, it really serves no good purpose to harm someone's memory of a person unnecessarily. My pain is between me and my dad. I won't inflict it on aunts, uncles, or extended family just to ruin what memories they may have of a totally different person unless there is good cause.
Cec and Roger,
Thank you for your responses. My wife she has heard everything from me concerning my past and my current struggles. She does not like to see me depressed. I have discovered one thing is I do not like to be alone. I've finally realized why, it's because all the abuse was done when I was alone with this person. Also, you are right Roger. I do not want to destroy the memories that others have of my dad.
I was in my mid-30s. I was at a low point in life – having recently escaped from a controlling cult and moved across country. Iwas unemployed and unable to support my wife and two pre-school kids. Alone, in a strange place, without a support system and feeling like a failure, long-repressed memories of abuse surfaced and dragged me into a dark depression. My wife and a new friend pushed me into therapy and I started to release the toxic memories.
Several months into therapy, I was beginning a men’s Bible study in a new church and the pastor suggested that we begin the second session by each listing the ten events or circumstances that made us who we were at that time. I had three choices: drop out of the study (which I felt I desperately needed,) skip what I felt was the most significant detail of my life to that point, or tell the truth. When we met the next week, I was the first to speak. I was brutally honest. Number one on my list was my father’s death when I was three. Number two was my mom’s remarriage when I was five to the stepdad who abused me verbally, physically and sexually for the next thirteen years. Number three was systematic bullying and “hazing”-type abuse by a gang of my peers through two years of middle school. The rest are irrelevant to this story.
I was shaking, dry-mouthed and fearful as I read my list to the other half-dozen guys seated in the circle. There was not a sound as I finished. The pastor took a deep breath and thanked me for my transparency. I was light-headed and numb at that moment. I had just done something that I thought I could never do. I had defied the abusers and made their sins known. I was worried about how the other guys in the small group would react but they were supportive and empathetic. One said that he respected me for having the guts to tell my story. Later, I felt a huge sense of relief, as if a heavy weight had been dropped from my shoulders. I had worried that I might be treated differently after the other men knew my secret, but it did not seem to make any difference at all.
Since that time, I have told more detailed versions of my story in a weekend retreat for men recovering from sexual abuse, at a small peer-facilitated support group for survivors, and three times at faith-based 12-step programs. At each of those meetings, there were anywhere from six to seventy people present, and in the 12-step meetings, it was a mixed audience. I am still somewhat nervous before and during the telling of my experiences and I am selective to whom I reveal that part of my past. But the fear and shame is no longer debilitating and the positive responses I have received, especially from those who say that my story has encouraged them or given them hope, makes the stress more than worth it.
I suspect Lee from your post that each time became slightly easier, and gave you a little more peace. That was my experience and I have heard that from others. Something about saying it out loud to an audience releases the hold it has on us. The first few times, I cried. Later while emotional, I found more courage and freedom in the telling. I found acceptance and even a few who were brave enough to hug me and say 'me too'. I was not alone. It was not my fault. Those two truths were the most liberating and honestly almost intoxicating to my spirit. I was not a freak. I was just a victim of someone's sickness. It no longer defined who I was.
I felt totally exposed, naked, unable to hide, (unable to “re-cover” my nakedness). Then came the responses of “me too,” “are you sure you weren’t inside my head?!,” I love you, you are so special to me AND to God, thank-you for giving me permission to be known, and many more. In the years since, the acceptance, support and love were a real catalyst toward healing. There were still thoughts of “what the hell did I do?!, THAT was stupid, crazy, etc! However, the love and acceptance and very real and healing presence of God have overwhelmed me with a positive attitude of God’s grace to me and the ability to see “Jesus with skin on” through people who lovie me, just as I am!
Anonymous-I pray that you find the peace and healing you need. I understand your predicament, but I also feel that a key lie that many of us believe is that if I expose the perpetrator others will react against ME, not them. I understand we need discernment and wisdom on when to share, what to share, and with whom. I also know that no matter how prestigious/well thought of our perpetrator(s) is/are, that often when one person steps forward others feel free to share their experiences of abuse at the hand of the same perpetrator(s), since there’s rarely just 1 victim! I’ll be praying for you.
It is 3:38AM. I have tossed and turned all night. I am an adult Sunday School teacher and I completed my lesson around midnight after Christmas shopping all day with my wife and her sister. We had gone to Lifeway bookstore and I had not decided what to teach on yet, and I was searching for a lesson. The lesson that I stumbled on was the story of the Christmas candy cane which represents the birth, ministry and death of Jesus. (I really do not know why I am on this blog this late at night, why I am awake, and why I am typing this, but I feel driven to continue) there is a situation at work where I can help save this young woman's job but I have been burned so much at work this year that if I put my neck out to help her and it goes bad, then it could be bad for me. But every time I try to go to sleep this situation replays over and over and over in my mind. I have decided to give her one more chance in my division of the company (the division the Lord gave me to manage) because I believe the Lord has placed her on my heart for a reason. When I can't sleep I put my headphones in my phone and listen to sermons from elevation church and tonight I was also listening to Christmas songs trying to find a good Christmas Christian music video to play in Sunday School. Why am I saying all of this tonight? While inn Lifeway bookstore I was searching for a lesson not just for the class but for me. I am always searching for the answer but I am not really sure what the question is. While I am typing this I really just want to backspace as usual and delete half my post and say this is life deal with it, hide it, just let it go. But it won't go. I am so tired of dealing with all of this. I have been posting on her as anonymous and I typed out my name and was going to reveal myself. But the panic set in and I deleted my name. I am just not ready to do that yet and really don't think I ever will be. When I revealed the abuse that my dad inflicted on me to my sister, her response to my question, do you believe me, was, you have never hurt my kids. Why would she say that? After all the torture of the abuse that I lived thru, I would never ever hurt a child. I know she doesn't understand. I barely do, so how do I expect her to understand.
But if I receive that type of response from my sister who knew my dad, what type of response am I going to receive from everyone else. Once the secret is out, you can't pull it back. Everybody will know the true me and the gig is up for the rest of my life. For now, I want to keep the whole sorid awful mess a secret from the rest of the world. I know The dozen or so people that I have told could tell, and a part of me wished they would, but I will just have to deal with that if it happens. While typing this, the Lord just revealed a friend to me that does know my secret that has been wanting to eat lunch with me and he is a pastor. I believe I will reach out to him later today. Thank you for listening to my rambling, our my prayer. Maybe I can go to sleep now. I do pray for each one of you that the Lord will give us all peace from dealing with the past. I think the devil wants to keep my mind so bogged down by the past that I cannot enjoy the present or the future. The devil is a roaring lion and he wants to steal, kill and destroy Christians. I pray that the Lord places a hedge of protection around all of us as we deal with the past and become a part of the present. Men, (and ladies if any are reading this post) thank you for taking time to read my post and may the Lord richly bless you and give us all peace of heart, soul and mind in this spiritual battle. Devil, I have news for you. In my Bible in Revelations, you loose and are cast into the pits of bell by Jesus Christ. I am not powerful enough to fight you, but my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ can. I give Jesus my battle. I pray that from this point forward I will turn this battle over to Jesus to fight. I am so tired of this stealing my joy. What happened to me ended when I was 10. I am now 52. I remembered it all 16 years ago. I have been battling this physically for about 8 years and now the memories for 16 years. This whole situation has stolen 24 years of my life. I am ready to bury this deep under the blood of Jesus. Jesus it is Yours. I give it to You. Only You can give me the peace that I am seeking. I am going to trust it to You. Good night and may God bless each one of you.
I’m also now 52, I remembered my abuse 18 years ago. I did tell my sister about a year later, she told me she was sure it happened.I told my brother (who was in the room where I was abused for at least 1 of the instances-this brother was probably sleeping at the time), about 2 weeks later and he simply flat out denied that it could have ever happened. He has never acknowledged the truth. (By the way-I work 3rd shift, that’s why I keep seeing your comments and responding-I don’t usually work Saturday nights, though so I hope I’m not going to fall asleep during church this morning-lol)! As I’ve prayed for you tonight, 2 things have come to me: what remains in the dark can never be healed, and that the TRUTH will set you free! My brother, whether or not he was directly abused by our grandfather, isn’t free. He’s a believer, but I see evidences that he remains in bondage to what he won’t acknowledge. It’s the kind of bondage that leaves him blind to realities of both his past and present reality. My life is far from perfect, but my heart is free, what that looks like for you, I can’t determine, that’s God’s job in cooperation with you. I CAN say, though, that your heart is worth it, don’t lose any more of your heart to what this dark night of the soul has already taken away from you. Bless you my dear brother!-Dann
Thank you Dan
Sorry, thank you Dann
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