I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

The Disconnect

(This post comes from Roger Mann.)

I never questioned what was happening to me. Not really. We had a normal family and a normal family life. In fact, because we were Christians and deeply involved in church, at times I felt a quiet sense of superiority over some of the other kids I knew whose parents argued, drank a lot, or were divorced.

Normal is just what is going on around you.

As I got older, the disconnect became uncomfortable. I looked around at others my age and discovered that my experiences were not common; sometimes they even appeared rare.

At high school age, it’s difficult feeling different, wondering if others think and feel like you do. But when you KNOW you’re different, it’s a whole new level of crazy. That crazy pushed me, and I pushed back. I won most of the time, I thought, but around 28 or so I began to lose the war. I was tired, alone, and so confused. At some point, I gave up and allowed myself to experience all that had been going through my mind in the quiet darkness.

And the darkness, quiet or not, will get you. It sure got me. I spiraled down until I was suicidal enough to really try and end it all. But it didn’t work, and I realized I needed to get help. I tried a few therapists, but I just couldn’t form the words. They would stick in my throat, and all I could see was that I was betraying my father.

Weird, huh? Especially when considering he’s the one who betrayed me.

Eventually, it was get help or get out, and I finally was able in a session to blubber out the truth as I understood it. I can’t describe the relief and sense of betrayal that I felt, but it was worth it. After the dam broke, the tide came pouring out, and together we began to sort it out.

Painful? You bet. But as they say, pain is weakness leaving the body. The more we sorted, the stronger I began to feel. Truth hurts at times; it also heals if you let it.


Daniel said...

Oh, Roger, you hit the nail on the head. I know that I carried the heavy burden of the secret for so many years that I finally crashed into a deep depression. It was only in coming up out of the depression that I finally started dealing with the abuse. I should say, I finally saw it as abuse. I started to understand I was a victim, not an accomplice.

I cannot tell you how freeing that was to my soul.

But not all days have been rosy. Quite the opposite, actually. But I am making progress with the help of God, my wife, and some extremely supportive friends.

Cecil Murphey said...

As "owner" of this blog, I want to point out that I've never met Roger. One day he responded to y blog entry. He showed amazing insight and was transparent. After that, whenever a post appeared from Roger, I knew I'd be encouraged.
A few weeks ago, I asked Roger to become a regular contributor to this blog. He agreed and hasn't disappointed me.
Daniel's comment, for instance, reminds me of Roger's sincerity, honesty, and continued growth. Thank you, Roger.


Roger Mann said...

Thank you Cec,

Very few people understand the pain that so many men carry around. Some carry it without even understanding why or where they got it. I'm thankful for a place to sort it all out and find some peace in understanding and support and encouragement from others in various stages of healing. I accept healing may not remove all the pain of injury but it does bring clarity and the possibility of a healthier happier life. Truth is freeing.

Just my thoughts