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There has been so much hurt and confusion in my life, and all of it has left its mark. Or maybe I should I say scar. Admittedly, I have not handled it well. To be honest, much of it was in response to my thrashing about trying to find a way to live with the confusion and sadness I carried from childhood disappointments that I never resolved. I hurt those I loved, and when you do that, it leaves a mark on you too.
So I guess I have a lot of baggage—a lot of excess weight that keeps me earthbound. I have walled off my heart from people, and God seems to be the only one I trust enough to allow His love to touch me. I don't want to hurt. That's a fact. But I don't want to hurt anyone else by allowing them to get close and then disappointing them. I overheard my wife ask our counselor, "Why am I not enough?" and I honestly could not tell her. I just didn't know.
Why do I get so sad some days? Why do I get so angry over such little slights? Why am I so insecure with her and so self-assured with strangers? People who don't know me well seem to love me. Those who get close discover a different person entirely. It's a lot of weight to carry around. It's a lot of balls to juggle and keep in the air. And it's similar to the personality of my father. Everyone loved Dad and loved to come and visit. Those of us who lived with him often wondered why he was so different with us.
I suspect there is a root belief somewhere deep that keeps this cycle going. I just don't seem to be able to find where it's located in that bag of mine and what form it takes.
2 comments:
Thank you for being so honest. I have not posted for several months. Cec, I have been listening to a lot of your You Tube videos. It is honest posts like this and honest You Tube videos that have helped me open up to a few individuals about my father's suicide and abuse. It was very hard for me and even after I opened up to them, I was fearful the whole week and wanted to send it all back into it's hiding spot. But once you share you can't unshare. It took a whole week before I could gain enough courage to tell my wife that I shared my story. It all began at a man's Bible study when I asked everyone to pray for me that I would be released from the anger that I had for my dad, and to finally forgive him. It is strange but the other day someone was talking about my angry face. I didn't realize that I had an angry face. It shocked me. I was thinking that I had all of this anger hidden and the whole time it has been written all over my face for others to see but I didn't see it. I have also started exercising and eating better. I am starting to feel the anger go away slowly.
Thank you, anonymous, for your comments.
I like your statement that "But once you share you can't unshare." Taking that initial step of opening up was the most painful-but-courageous think I did for my healing.
I was struck by the comment about your angry face. That's something I had to learn. I often expressed anger (unaware I was doing so). My late wife mentioned my angry face and my voice.
Her words shocked me.
You never have to reveal your name on this blog, and I want to be clear about that. However, once you do, you'll have taken another step toward freedom.
Cec
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