I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

Having a Terrible Time

This post is from Roger Mann.

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Around certain meaningful dates, I’ve experienced times of intense increase in same-sex attraction (SSA) and desires to binge on pornography and masturbation. For me, I finally realized that the fantasies, memories, and desires were deep down my own boy inside wanting to make a different outcome than what actually occurred back then. It was like I was trying to re-write history— my sexual history with my father and others.

It was bad back then. But I didn't understand how bad. It was all new and arousing in ways I’d never dreamed of, but at the same time very unsatisfying. And as I got older and more aware of what kinds of things could have happened, I began to be drawn into fantasy of what might have been had this or that just happened. It fed a porn and masturbation binge time and time again.

Sometimes it led to actually acting out. The thing is, even when I acted out and the situation should have been perfect, there was always something inside me that said, “NO, this is not who you are." And the witness of the truth of that ruined it as it should have.

As I said, it was a terrible time. Finally, I began seeing that it was just my mind desperately wanting a different end—a fantasy relationship with my father. Or later with another my own age. And as I got older, with someone even younger than me. Perhaps it was in an effort to reverse roles to make it end differently that way.

I wanted the love, acceptance, and affirmation that I never got. I got sex from Dad, but nothing more. For the rest of my life I had been willing to trade my body for that. But that's not how one gets that, and that's not who we should look to in order to obtain it.

For me, God is the only one who gives unconditional love with no strings attached and none needed. It took me way too long to learn that, and I left a wake of destruction trying to find it in all the wrong places.

13 comments:

Larry Clemson said...

Thank You for sharing so transparently. I hate that I struggle with SSA - It's one of most frustrating things I have in my life. When I was in denial of my abuse i could just ignore it all but when I finally admitted & let God into those dark places I feel that has come out & I don't know what to do with it. I pray it goes away but there it is - I think I compare myself to others & I just don't measure up. I really am struggling with these horrible feelings.

Roger Mann said...

One think you might do Larry is to study what God says about you. You are very precious to Him and He has a lot to say about how he feels about you, how He sees you. That helps put things back in proper perspective for me when I feel that way.

Larry Clemson said...

Thank You Roger! I do know this but at times have a hard time believing them.

Anonymous said...

Thank you - finally someone on here spoke about the big "M".

Roger Mann said...

Yes, the big M is s touchy subject for many men, no pun intended. We can certainly dialog about that if so desired. I suspect I was initiated into that practice VERY early in my childhood by my father. I can still recall even when I was in single digits age wise believing that I need to do that in order to fall asleep properly and quickly.

But it can be a trap. I suspect part of my difficulty in intimacy is that I know it's so much easier and feels more satisfying than intimacy with my wife at times. And that means I am approaching intimacy on a totally selfish basis. And selfishness is at the root of all unhealthy sex in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

That's what I have always heard - masturbation is selfish. Masturbation can also be a stress reliever - but so can sex with your wife. I understand that it is not fair to here, but there is just a need that comes over me. It must be done and it must done quickly and it must be done secretly and no one should ever speak of it and no one should ever know. All of this was said to me about the abuse. Maybe not in word, but you just knew it was wrong. The unspoken abuse / the unspoken masturbation. The UNSPOKEN - I can't stand it anymore!!!!! They are spoken!!!

Anonymous said...

To me it is not same sex attraction, it is same sex jealousy. The courage and self confidence other men have. The bodies that some me have compared to my flab and fat.

Anonymous said...

Roger thank you for bringing these subjects out of the dark and into the light. I have heard that 90% of men have masturbated and the other 10% lied.

Cecil Murphey said...

Like many of you, I'm grateful that Roger had the courage to speak out. The comments show he hit an area that affects most of us. Thank you, thank you, Roger.
Not many men would take such a risk--and use his name with the post.

I'm the owner of this blog, and I want to tell you guys how impressed I am by your transparency. Not just Roger, but all of you who respond to such deep-seated secrets.

If you should go back into the archives, you wouldn't see anything like this. Keep it up, and keep healing!

Cec

Anonymous said...

Roger, Thank you for your courage to share and start this conversation. I think what we do in secret is our biggest enemy and keeps us bound. As long as we are bound by these secrets, we will never become the person we should be.

Roger Mann said...

There is probably as many reasons for doing it as there men and women. I remember doing it because it just felt good and I liked the feeling afterward. I was too young to really know what I was doing or what it was called anyway. I did sense that it was deeply personal and should be a secret. Nowadays there are songs about it, books, movies that imply or overtly show people doing it. I even wrote a poem about it myself. (no I will not post it).

But back then is was portrayed in my circles as something shameful and if someone wanted to insult or humiliate you the would tell everyone you did it. Even today, if you wanted to humiliate or insult someone you called them a jerkoff or a wanker or some other of the many labels for it.

But as one of you mentioned, studies say 90 percent of men do it and the other ten percent lie. Of course a lot of women do it too.

When a friend of mine who was coming out of homosexuality with the help of his therapist he was told that if he felt he must, then do it quickly as you can and don't fantasize. Just concentrate on finishing. That seemed to work as most of what I have been told and has been my experience fantasy plays a huge part as you grow up. True with me; first it was just to get that feeling, but later I had to dip into fantasy as I got older and reached puberty.

Due to the chemical release as you do this it can have the effect of fixating on what is going to at the moment. I think it's called a fetish. For instance my toughest time is in the afternoon for some reason I still can't figure out. For some it is during a shower. One guy I red about had to have his boots on because that's what he always saw during.

Breaking the habit can really help one's intimacy with the wife. Over use can kill the libido to the point where becoming aroused is a problem. Doctors have noticed and written articles on how porn has caused a huge increase in erectile dysfunction in younger men. (again i'm not trying to make puns here it's just the English language is fought with double meanings).

Point is, it's a problem. It's a coping mechanism for many. Certainly was/is for me at times. But I think it has to be replaced with something healthier. You can't just stop an effective(?) coping strategy. You have to fill that spot with something else and it has to be good to compete.

Just my thoughts

Cecil Murphey said...

This is a new comment that came to me personally. He has chosen not to share his name.
If you want to respond, reply to PRIVATE,

I understand Roger Mann's letter and can relate to it. At 64, I'm still grieving over the losses in my life from childhood and older abuses. I keep thinking if only I had not been abused, I could be married like normal folk are. All my siblings, cousins are married but one other cousin. I hate being the only one not married and not able to experience sex the way it was meant to be enjoyed. I'm still believing God to deliver me from these SSA attractions. Porn comes and goes but can't imagine life without masturbation. I'm very thankful for a pastor I meet with once a week to share my week's ups and downs. Many times mostly "downs" but he is patient with me, never judging me, just encouraging me to keep on plugging along with Jesus.
That's all I can do.
Loren

Roger Mann said...

Part of the success in overcoming any besetting issue as a Christian I have found is the focus on your goal. For many many years my goal was to live a straight life and I tried to force it, to white knuckle it into reality. I failed miserably. The only time I found any peace or freedom was when I just gave up and set my focus on knowing God and the Bible. I know it sounds cliche but when I was focused on finding ways to encounter God in my life and to really study his Word I eventually had less issues with my SSA and it's effects.

C.S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity, that if we seek anything down here as our all consuming desire, we will lose it and everything else. If we seek to know God, we get Him and everything else good thrown in. (my paraphrase he says it better). And he's right. We cannot find peace and comfort outside of God because it simply doesn't exist.

There is a difficult and mostly unsuccessful way and there is the easier way. I still struggle at times but it is so much easier to say NO and make it stick.

Just my thoughts Feel free to contact me through CEC if you wish.