I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

Scott's Story

I recently received this poignant email from Scott (which I’ve edited with his approval). He wrote an additional 500 words, and the pain was so obvious. I was especially touched when I read that he wasn’t believed. Many of us know that experience. (Cec)

* * * * *

I reached puberty at age 16. I was put on growth hormones at age 15, as I had not started growing.

Around that time, a teacher fondled me at least once. He was reported by other parents for doing the same to their sons and dismissed from the school. I remember feeling sorry for him as I didn't realize he had done anything wrong.

The serious abuse started when I was 14 or 15. A friend, only 6 months older, began to abuse me. That situation continued for 5 years until I was 19.

All that is mild, and I could live with it. Now comes the bombshell: I became a perpetrator, and I’ve never truly forgiven myself. I had a sexual experience with a 7- or 8-year-old boy. I was 16.

Then on a Tuesday—a day I’ll never forget—the boy’s mother knocked on our apartment door. My life forever changed on that day. I confessed and had to go to the police. I was lucky because the case was dropped by the judge.

I had stopped by then, although I’m pretty sure I would not have done it again even if I had not got caught.

I explained to my parents and the psychologist that I did it because it had been done to me. They didn’t believe me because the person who had done it to me was not much older than I was.

I accepted that, and never understood why I had committed that most awful sin. Eleven years later, I realized I was re-enacting what happened to me when another psychologist suggested it— as a reason, and not as an excuse.

Maybe that’s why I let the abuse to me go on—as self-punishment.

6 comments:

Roger Mann said...

Scott, thank you for sharing your story with us. It breaks my heart to once again see how what seems so innocent at the time later becomes the horror of brokenness. I too did some acting out trying to understand and wrap my head around why my father would want to touch me that way and why he would send me to others who would mess with me. In my young mind I just accepted this was a fun and okay thing to do.

Eventually I realized this was not a good thing to be doing with others and stopped but by then I was pretty conflicted and confused about a lot of things. What I thought had been a normal happy family I was beginning to realize was pretty messed up.

Some of the choices like you I made for reasons that were not of my making. Some were and like you these can haunt me at times. So I share some of your pain. But things can and do change if we work at it and are honest with ourselves about trying to do the right things now. It's not who we are, it's what was done to us. Thanks again for your post.

Anonymous said...

I know this is off subject, but is anybody else having a hard time celebrating father's day when you were sexually abused by your father?????

Anonymous said...

And everybody is posting pictures of their dad and saying how wonderful he is/Was even your brother and sisters, and you want to scream.....thats not the father I know and tell everybody and destroy his image.. and then there is a part of me that still loves him, but doesn't understand. Thank God for my sons that I can celebrate being their father.

Roger Mann said...

YES, Anonymous, my wife I don't think really gets it. She is someone who love celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, mother's day, father's day, graduations, etc. She loves to party. I'm a wet blanket, I know but my hearts just not in it for mother's day and father's day. I can do all the others but I have a terrible time especially father's day and will not go to church if I can help it. Today I get to work at the store so church is not an option.

Sorry for hijacking the post but I had to respond and maybe I will make a post about it later.

Anonymous said...

Thank you.

Mark Cooper said...

Anonymous, I didn't see your question till today, a couple days past Father's Day.

Yes, I also have a hard time with Father's Day. I've learned it is important to me, particularly on Father's Day, to allow myself to be honest about how I feel about my dad, rather than try to whip up warm and fuzzy feelings about him. This year, while driving to church, the thought popped into my mind, "Dad, you crushed my heart."

Admitting that truth helped me move through the balance of that raw day with greater freedom.