Managing Our Triggers (Part 8 of 8)

(This post comes from Gary Roe.)

"How does my speaking up help others?"

We’ve talked about triggers and how they work; we’ve learned to trace our triggers back to their root using a 4-question process; we’re learning to manage our triggers rather than allowing them to control us.

We can use our growth to help other survivors. As we make ourselves known, we encourage other men to say, "Me, too."

We need to become sensitive to opportunities. We also need courage in the midst of a conversation to say, "I’m an abuse survivor, and I’ve learned . . ." "My childhood was terrible." "I come from an abusive past." "I was deeply damaged as a child." "I’m learning to overcome the abuse in my childhood."

Each time we speak, the abuse has less hold on us.

If I let others know I’m an abuse survivor, 

I might open the door for others to say, "Me too."

Managing Our Triggers (Part 7 of 8)

(This post comes from Gary Roe.)

"Can I help others manage their triggers?"

We can’t give away what we don’t have. As we manage our triggers by tracing them back to their origins, we can lead others through the process we’ve learned.

As we learn to manage, we need to help others. With 1 in 6 males (possibly 1 in 3) having been sexually abused before the age of 18, we won’t have to look very far. However, most of those survivors are locked in silence. Although unaware, they're still trapped in the abuse.

We need to give them the courage to open up, to let us know who they are. We speak to them. If we're courageous, we shatter their silence.

As we practice managing our triggers (going through the 4-question process), our courage increases. We sense victory and a new level of healing, and we help others by speaking up.

Speaking up is a powerful way I can fight against the evil of sexual abuse. 

Research Help Needed

My name is Angela Komar and I am working on my bachelor's thesis. I am looking for adult male survivors of female-perpetrated childhood sexual abuse; if you would be interested in being interviewed either by email, phone, instant message, face-to-face, or Skype please contact me at AKomarCASA@gmail.com and I will provide the letter of consent and answer any questions. This project has been approved by the Colorado College IRB. Feel free to visit my blog: http://adultmalecsa.blogspot.com/

Managing Our Triggers (Part 6 of 8)

(This post comes from Gary Roe.)

"How do I get better at identifying my triggers?"

Memorize and use the four questions. Think of a time you felt fearful or anxious. Work your way back to the original trigger-producing incident. Sometimes you can’t get back to the origin, but go as far back as you can. Pick another instance and go through the process again. Then again. Try it with emotions such as guilt and shame.

You can also do it with positive experiences. Think of an occasion when you felt extremely happy. Ask the four questions and see if you can get back to the first time you felt that way. Similar experiences may produce happy feelings in you. Try it with other emotions such as feeling excited, thrilled, peaceful, content, or satisfied.

A friend says, "Practice makes permanent." If we practice identifying what we’re feeling, and we trace our triggers backward, we can manage those triggers rather than allow them to manage us.

The more I practice tracing my triggers back to their origins, 

the better I’ll become at identifying triggers when they occur.

Managing Our Triggers (Part 5 of 8)

(This post comes from Gary Roe.)

"Can I really discover the root of that trigger?"

It takes practice. The more you practice asking the four questions, the better you are at stopping your thoughts after the initial emotional reflex.

Let's say I’m at a party and I’ve been introduced to someone. I feel uncomfortable. The stranger seems pleasant, but my anxiety expands. I excuse myself. The fear subsides.

What am I feeling and what just happened? I’m afraid. I met a stranger. When have I felt that way before? It happens occasionally when I meet someone new. When do I remember that first feeling? In early childhood when I met one of my perpetrators.

The person at the party reminded me of the perpetrator. That could also be a warning. The person might be dangerous, perhaps an abuser.

We can manage our triggers; If we don’t they’ll manage us.

If I continue to work at it, 

I may be able to trace a trigger back to its origin.

Managing Our Triggers (Part 4 of 8)

(This post comes from Gary Roe.)

"Once I know my triggers, how do I deal with them?"

When we're triggered, our reactions are automatic. We can’t stop reflex reactions, but we can learn to manage what happens next.

For example, I walk into a room filled with people I haven't met. I become self-conscious, because I feel as if everyone is staring at me.

What am I feeling and what just happened? I’m feeling nervous. I walked into a room where I didn’t know anyone. When have I felt this way before? When I entered a new environment. When was the first time I felt that way? I was about four years old at a department store with a female perpetrator. What happened the first time I felt that way? She knelt down beside me and said, "The world isn't a safe place. Stay close to me. I’ll protect you."

What was the trigger? Entering a place where I don’t know anyone. When I am triggered that way, I still hear my perpetrator’s message again. If I realize that, I can learn to see things from a different perspective. Being able to identify the trigger can derail the emotion train.

I don’t have to let my triggers rule and force me to relive my abuse. 

I can learn to unplug the "trigger train."

Goliath Won

After his sentence on October 9, 2012, Jerry Sandusky wrote a letter to Judge Cleland in which he compared his court trial with the biblical encounter of David and Goliath. "I was supposed to be David but failed to pick up the slingshot. Goliath won . . . "

He's right—Goliath won.

However, Sandusky was Goliath—a giant—when he abused those small boys, who didn't have slingshots and stones with which to fight. He won again when he denied his guilt. A third win was the re-victimizing of those boys in court when they were forced to recount their molestation in front of strangers and doubters.

No one knows how many little Davids suffered because of that one overpowering giant. But a few finally picked up slingshots. With tears and deep-seated anguish, those brave Davids testified about their abuse. And the jury believed them. The words at the sentencing make it clear that Judge Cleland believed it was time to punish Goliath.

For a few of us, there is justice.

But what about the cost to those once-innocent children? Those survivors again faced shame, rejection, pain, as well as criticism and denial for justice to prevail.