This comes from Brad.
After Marvin, my babysitter, finished with me, I was confused. I was eight years old but I couldn't figure it out. I felt dirty and that it was wrong—that part is clear to me. But it also felt good. And if it felt good how could it be bad? Or if it was bad, how could it feel good?
I'm nearly forty and now I finally—finally—understand. My body responded to Marvin, but my spirit resisted. And at that age and being faced by someone twice my age, my spirit couldn't win.
1 comment:
Brad, thank you for sharing this. I too felt guilty. At times I desired my father's abuse because it meant no beating that day, and it got it over. I used to feel bad that I liked his gentler attention. He still hurt me in his abuse, but there were conflicting emotions too. It was complicated by the attention I got from my mom as she quizzed me about what he did.
Thank you for sharing from your heart.
Heather
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