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Trust Comes Hard for Me (Part 1 of 2)

This post comes from Gary Roe.

Trust comes hard for me. That’s natural and makes sense. I was sexually abused and raped by family members in early childhood. Those events and relationships have defined much of my life.

After decades of saying that I trust God, I've discovered that I really don’t. I believe that he exists, that he’s with me, but when life gets really difficult, I don’t believe that he will come through for me or protect me.

That means I must protect myself. I have to figure things out and direct my life. Not only that, I have to manage and control other people and situations. My lack of trust puts me in an impossible position, and creates a life of fear, anxiety, and fatigue.

Not trusting God allows the abuse to still define and control me. The abuse that I hate so much becomes an idol. In order to let go of it, I must begin trusting God.

I don’t know how to do this. I just pray, “God, help me to trust you. I really, really want to trust you.”

I sense he is working. I must hold on to that. 


Heather Marsten said...

Gary, your posts are such a blessing to me and I am able to identify with so much that you have experienced and how it has impacted your life. Thank you for being so open and honest.

I remember not being able to pray to God for myself. I used to believe that if God knew I wanted something He would prevent me from getting it. I needed to learn that God was not a father like my earthly father, but it took a lot of time to realize this truth.

I too felt I had to do things on my own and you are right, it is tiring. I also finally realized that I did not always make wise choices.

For me trust is building more and more, and I too asked God to help me know and trust Him more.

What has been happening lately is an element of surprise. I used to think God was active in my life after the abuse, but I couldn't see His presence during my abuse. I felt he was the Great Abandoner. So I closed the door on my abuse and refused God entrance.

As I began to know His nature, God finally answered my questions about where was He during the abuse. He was not where I expected Him to be. I wanted Him to be in the stop the abuse camp, instead He was in the what didn't happen camp - I didn't get a sexually transmitted disease from my father, didn't go insane, didn't die, could still have children as an adult so my father didn't mess me up physically. God was in the nots - but for years that information would have bothered me. What did not happen seemed lame. Now I am grateful.

I also had to realize that God did not want what my parents did, He wanted me to have loving parents, but my parents exercised their free will and did not obey God's perfect plan. But God has restored all that they took away and I am growing to love and trust Him more

I pray that God shows you His presence and trust more and more each day as the new year approaches.

God bless you.

Gary said...

Hi Heather. Thanks for your encouragement. I believe that is a gift God has given you. Thanks too for sharing. Each story we hear seems to help us along the road to healing. I'm glad that my past does not define who God is or who we are. I appreciate your insights. Thanks for helping me grow and heal.