I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

Questions and Answers (Part 4 of 7)

(an encore post by Cecil Murphey)

"If I was abused by a man and it felt good, does that make me gay?"

This is the question most men don't ask aloud. I want to mention that it's natural for sexual abuse to feel good. When someone stimulates our sexual organs, that feels good—that's a natural phenomenon. Tyler Perry, speaking of his abuse, said, "My body betrayed me."

One authority said that sexual identity is established around age 2 or 3—and I pass that on because I'm not a psychologist. But there seems to be no research to prove that being abused makes the victim a homosexual.

Some men become sexually compulsive with women—which I see as part of their unresolved issues. That's a way of shouting, "See! I'm not gay."

One abuse survivor has only one wife but nine children. He said, "If anyone tried to call me gay, I could point to my kids and prove them wrong."

Most of the abused men I've met are heterosexual. My guess is that the therapist was probably right about the formation of sexual identity.


Jospeh said...

I desperately wanted to be sure I was not "queer," as it was called when I was growing up. But the abuse from an adult male when I was in my mid-teens (my first sexual experience)certainly discolored my life. When I remember that event, I don't see myself as a 16-year-old, but a 12-year-old. When I shared this with my counselor, he was not surprised; but it shocked me a little.
I hated the same-sex encounters I was drawn back to again and again, because I wanted to totally heterosexual. I found no relief until I was desperate enough to spill my guts to somebody, and look the past eyeball-to-eyeball and face the issue.

Cec Murphey said...

Joseph, thank you for your courage to speak up. Many other men feel the way you did, but they haven't brought the painful memories into the open, so they still struggle. I sincerely hope your honest, vulnerable statement will encourage other men to open up to someone.

Again, thank you for being so candid.

Joseph said...

When I was distressed because I had pleasure from the encounter and expressed those concerns to my counselor, his comment was, "The fact that there was pleasure just shows that you d**k worked." It caused me to laugh, and relieved the false guilt I had been wallowing in that week.

Mark said...

Joseph, as I read your second comment, about what your counselor said to you, I also laughed. His response simplifies what cause so many of us to hold on to false guilt for how our bodies responded to abuse, and to memories of abuse.

Joseph said...

Thank God for humor! And thank God for a counselor who can use humor in our sessions. When he said that, he knew I would get a good, well-needed laugh. I'd emailed him a list of things I was questioning myself about.