I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

He Thought He Was Gay

(an encore post by Cecil Murphey)

Brian told me about his abuse as a child and said, "For years I thought I was a homosexual." Because he seemed to be a rather well-adjusted heterosexual, I asked, "Any idea what made you feel that way?"

Without hesitation he said, "Because I enjoyed it. From the first time I had an erection and it felt good." When he was a little older, he ejaculated. "If it was that awful, why did I enjoy it? I thought I was gay."

Until he was in his early twenties and after Brian "tried sex with a man once," he spoke of enjoying it and hating it at the same time. He didn't try it again and found it revolting to think about.

"Am I gay or not?" he asked himself.

Shortly after that, Brian visited a group that focused on male survivors of sexual abuse. "The penis responds to stimulation," the leader says. "That feels good, and that's absolutely natural to get aroused. But it doesn't mean you're gay. It means you have responded in a normal, natural way."

That was the day Brian started to say, "I'm a healthy, heterosexual male." It was also the beginning of a new life for him.


Mark said...

This is a powerful testimony. It is tragic to consider how many young people, men and women, give themselves over to homosexuality because of the confusion resulting from their being exploited as children.
I was also one who loved and hated my homosexual attractions and activity. God is healing me. It's not easy. But God is faithful. His mercy is new every day.

dyoung said...

I am a woman who went through years of sexual abuse and to struggle with sexual confusion in for years and years and year. My abuse came from my father and at least two other family members. However my father was the last and longest. I vividly remember from the age of 8 to 14 when I heard the Heavenly Father telling me to get away cause he was going to kill me. I truly believe that for all of us who been abused only those who have been through this can help us understand and find healing. I pray for you to continue to reach out and I know God will help you heal. This has made decide to seek out others like me so that God can continue healing me.

Joseph said...

Of course there was pleasure, for God made our body to respond to caresses. And for me, for the few minutes of the encounter,I, a lonely and neglected boy, was accepted by an adult male. Shortly afterwards the guilt and self-hate set in. Thank God for a wonderful counselor from Pathways Counseling who helped me break down the prison walls and walk into freedom with my head up. There is hope; there is healing.

Jason B. said...

Let me first say I love your book Not Quite Healed. It is a wonderful, overall helpful book to survivors of abuse like myself and for that I am very thankful. However in your book you recommended Exodus International for their reparative therapy. Around the same time your book was released they made a statement that they were stopping operations because they realized they were wrong and were causing great harm. Are you willing to make a similar statement recanting your recommendation of reparative therapy?
While I believe some people who were abused can have confusion about their orientation, I don't believe that environmental factors are the "cause" for a person to identify as LGBTQ. I know this story is only one persons experience but are you suggesting that all people who identify as LGBTQ are just confused?
I'm not saying you are not entitled to your beliefs, whatever they may be. But I do think it would be incredibly helpful to be sensitive to the possibility that this issue is more complex than what just one group of Christians wants to define as being biblical. Suggesting that sexual identity is just a learned behavior is incredibly naïve and damaging to survivors who have SSA or identify as LGBTQ.