I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

Separation Anxiety

(This is an encore post from an anonymous reader.)

Sexual abuse began so early in my life that I missed the chance to become my own person in the way that I should have at an early age. My initial identity was formed as someone who existed to bring another a sick pleasure.

The secret use of my body to satisfy someone older and bigger was the first place that I felt valued as a human being and that identity stuck to me like hot glue. Fortunately for me, I have come to know that that was only a false identity and not the real me.

Babies and small children often suffer through what we know as separation anxiety. Having been so close to the mother in the womb and at the breast results in fear and anxiety when infants experience separation. I have experienced a different form of separation anxiety as I have faced the reality that the identity formed in me early on was the wrong one. Or worse, that it was forced on me by my abusers. I became an object and not a human to them and then to myself.

My abuse stretched out over many years, and I was acting it out in multiple bisexual relationships primarily as the sex-slave of others. I lived to pleasure others and took that role because it was the only thing I knew. I was the powerless one and the partner always the strong one. It was sheer hell in so many ways, even though I thought I wanted this. I didn’t know that I was living out the wrong identity for many years after the abuse. Eventually, truth broke through.

I've spent many years untangling the effects of abuse. I've made great strides in separating myself from the false identity forced on me and in developing the real me, the man who has power over my own mind and body. This causes anxiety at times when I seem to fall back into old patterns of thinking. Like a baby, I don’t know who I am apart from the abuse that "mothered" me in many ways. But with each day I find that I won’t die becoming the real me.

I will live and I will live well.

2 comments:

Joseph said...

Great post that touches on some of my past. This sentence fits me (and I'm sure many others): "The secret use of my body to satisfy someone older and bigger was the first place that I felt valued as a human being and that identity stuck to me like hot glue." Even after I knew better, when stress came, I sought out the places where I knew I'd find moments of comfort and acceptance. The journey of recovery has been a good one, though often painful because of facing the reality of the past. But I could not move beyond the past without facing it.

Roger Mann said...

I can relate to this. Because my abuse also went on for such a long time I became identified with the acts completely. I didn't know how to behave if it was not sexual. My life revolved around making connections and getting the nest hookup.

Part of my recovery has been to learn who I am in God's eyes and what He expects of me as a man. That is a tough transition after so many years, decades of having my identity revolve around my sex.

Fortunately God led me to community and support where I could be honest with my struggles and find help and encouragement and advice on making the changes I needed to make in my life.

Thanks for this.