This word bimodal fell into my vocabulary long after my healing started. The word refers to two different ways or models of coping. I mention this because it helped me make sense of some of my own behavior. It's like saying that hypersensitivity or overreacting can occur at the same time as numbing out.
I understood that when it came to the matter of trusting others. Sometimes I was skeptical of anyone who made any promises and acted as if they wanted me to trust them. At other times, I naively believed anyone—and was often taken advantage of.
For a long time I wondered what was wrong with me. Why I could be so skeptical about some people and yet such an easy prey to others. But once I caught onto the bimodal concept, it made sense to me.
It also reminded me that my victimization as a child skewered my life. My inconsistency was one way the molestation showed up.
Just to accept that bimodal response has helped me.
I may be inconsistent at times, but I recognize that is part of the healing journey. For a long time I didn't understand. Now that I do, I can make more progress.
3 comments:
I call it compartmentalizing. But I do the same thing
I have never heard of this but now that you have explained it I do that too. I can be so gullible at times it is embarrassing and my wife has noticed it and at the same time so untrusting. I just assumed I was of two different personalities and wrote it off to effects of the abuse. I had no idea someone had a name for it.
Damn, another weirdness that makes me all freaky, just what I needed.
I can't stop thinking about this post. I am wondering if I am so willing to trust salesmen and the like and unwilling to trust people whom I should because the former I have no real emotional connection to and therefor no threat of emotional hurt. Then on the other hand unwilling to trust those to whom I should because the opposite is true. I have an emotional connection and therefore could be hurt once again by the potential betrayal.
I desperately throw myself at the former because inside I need to find someone to trust that can't hurt me. Yet I fear the ones I should be able to trust because if they do reject me, I will feel the abuse all over again, an echo of former betrayals.
What a mess.
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