I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

We Were There

Many of us were groomed by our perpetrators by their showing interest in us and paying attention to us. They lured us by making us feel loved.

They deceived us.

Those who sexually assaulted us didn't see us with eyes of love and compassion. We weren't truly individuals to them. Despite their use of words like "You're special" or "I love you," they lied. We were targets for them to satisfy their lust or addiction.

If we hadn't been available, they would have found some other vulnerable child. That last statement is crucial to our healing.

We were there. We were needy and they took advantage of us. We weren't special. In fact, the statistic I've read in several places is that pedophiles abuse up to 200 kids in their lifetime.

We were there. We were available.

Now we have to learn to forgive those who targeted us and stole our innocence.

1 comment:

Cecil "Cec" Murphey said...

Roger emailed these comments:

My father did not have to do any grooming. I was there for the taking. I am not sure how long he had been messing with me while I slept. I can remember waking up in various states of disarray and finally gave up on pj's and just went to bed in my underwear as I seem to be undressed upon waking anyway. We lived in Phoenix and it was warm most of the time so I thought nothing about it.

I was around 10 or 11 when I finally became aware of his nocturnal visits. Eventually he realized I no longer asleep during these visits and things escalated. So yeah no grooming there. However, something changed at that time in me because I started being targeted by others. I guess there was just something about me that said 'yeah, this kid will go for it'. I remember on older guy in particular, he must have been late teens or early 20s, began following me around buying me stuff, telling me how good I looked, etc. Eventually talking me into a sleepover in which very little sleep occurred. I really did not like him and thought he was kind of odd but he paid attention to me and that was something.

Being conditioned by dad, opened the door to allowing others access to my young body. I came to believe it was just what you did if you were 'friends'. It took a long time to change that mindset due to the extensive reinforcement I had been given that this is the way the world is for me. I am no longer 'there' for that, nor am I available. Having achieved that it took another round of therapy to accept that it was ok for my wife to have access when she wanted.

This stuff really messes up healthy intimacy in marriage but it is getting better. Not all touch it bad or inappropriate and it took a while to get there. Thankfully my wife has been very patient and loving and I am learning the joy of intimacy in healthy context.