I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

Going It Alone

The great American tradition is to honor and applaud those who go it alone—the Clint-Eastwood-John-Wayne heroic types. They didn't need anyone and were able to do it all by themselves.

Really?

Maybe in books and films it works that way, but I don't know anyone like that who's truly happy. I believe God created us for companionship (and it doesn't have to be romantic). In recent years, a number of films have been labeled bromedy—where two men join together for a common goal.

I'll tell you why I haven't wanted to go it alone. I need people and have always been aware of that. I'm a highly emotional person and my late wife was my anchor. So many times I was ready to move on in various phases of my life, but she was the calm one. She didn't argue or yell, but she helped me realize I was making an emotional decision and not a careful or reasoned one.

More than anything else, Shirley taught me that I didn't have to take the lonesome road by myself. Until her death, she was always there to hold my hand.

I no longer have her, but I have friends I can call or visit. I don't have to take that road marked Alone.

3 comments:

Dan said...

Alone is comfortable. Not necessarily healthy, but it seems safe.
As long as I dont have to reveal all thats going on inside me, no one can hurt me. No one can judge me either.
So to stay quiet is to stay safe.
You also keep your dignity and respect. So why would men risk all of that?
For myself it comes down to healing. That's why I'll risk it. However I will seek men I feel completely safe with.
Trust is huge, because so much of our past trust was lost.
Does this make any sense to you guys?
Dan

Cec Murphey said...

Dan, you state that well. In my case, to avoid being alone and facing myself, so I stayed overwhelmed with activities. That kept me from facing my pain.
I got tired of running and of the deep pain in those alone moments. Then, like you Dan and many others, I was ready to be healed.

Roger Mann said...

I had been going it alone most of my life. Like you guys it was safe, my false pride did not want to reveal how hurt I was, how lonely I was, and yes how frightened I was. I so wanted to reach out and used sex to try and fix that longing but it would only last for a few minutes and then the reality would hit that I had not really made any true connection. I was befriended because I had something someone wanted.

Getting back to church and re-establishing my connection with God helped me see the difference. It took some changes in me before I was able to reach out honestly. Sadly it did not have a lot of results because Christian men don't seem to be able to do this well but the rare one's I found that did, were wonderful.

I realized early on in Celebrate Recovery lessons that it is very true, one cannot go it alone. God has designed us to need each other, to help each other overcome. My strength lies in my weakness, which is knowing I cannot go it alone.