Tuesday, September 19, 2017

No Self-judging Allowed

On a hand-painted sign I saw those words in a friend’s den. “I think I understand the words,” I said, “but is there a story here?”

“Yes!” Alan Jennings said. “I made up that sign for what I hoped would be an opportunity to tell people about my abuse.” The sign had been up almost two years and only a handful of visitors had asked about it.

“It began in a group therapy session,” he said. Alan was condemning himself for allowing an older boy to sodomize him. Before he sought help, he talked about allowing the horrible things done to him.

Another member of the group interrupted him. “Don’t you have any compassion for that little boy? He did what he had to do to survive.”

When Alan started to protest, others in the group also urged him to be kind to the abused child.

“I had been in and out of therapy for addictions,” he said, “but I realized I hadn’t been kind to my little boy.”

“You survived because of him,” one man said. “You may have done things you’re ashamed of now, but that hurt, despised little boy kept you alive.”

For quite a while we talked before Alan said, “I put up that sign to remind me and to help me to be kind and understanding to my younger self.

“Every night, even now I stare at my reflection in the mirror and think of the eight-year-old boy and say to him, ‘Thank you for helping me survive.’”

He smiled, “I no longer have to say no self-judging allowed. Now I leave the sign up in the den, hoping it will help others.”

3 comments:

Avigail said...

I hope it helps me too.

No Self-judging Allowed. Nice one.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know I read your post. I am my hardest critique, I expect perfection and if I'm not perfect in an area of my life, I just quit. But just recently I have decided that I am not going to quit on myself. I forgive others for the horrible ways that they treat me, but I have a problem forgiving myself for saying one upset word to someone else. I always treat others better than I treat myself and my family. Why? When it comes down to it, people come and go in your life, but family is always there for me.

Roger Mann said...

For years I was angry at my younger self. Very angry. This came out in several different ways. Then one day in a counseling session I was able to see how small and helpless I was back then. I realized he did the best he could have to try and love my dad anyway and be a good son. He was not all that weak, in some ways he was stronger than I am now. I spent some time forgiving him and loving him and it has brought me a sense of peace. I find I am less judgmental of myself now too.