My wife was also a survivor—a survivor of my abusive childhood. She suffered because she loved me and stayed with me while I worked through my pain.
For a long time, I didn’t realize how my childhood had affected her. I was too busy working on Cec.
As one example, when she was deeply hurt, I froze inside. Today I’d say I numbed out as many survivors do during intense emotional moments. I didn’t understand what was happening to me, and my abuse kept me from giving her the comfort I wanted to show her.
I didn’t know when I was angry and couldn’t “feel” that emotion. More than once Shirley cried and I didn’t understand what I had said or done.
For me, the good news is that healing began, and Shirley was there from the beginning. One evening, I pulled her close and apologized. “Until recently I didn’t understand that you have been victimized by what was done to me.”
I’m glad I was able to see that and apologize. That didn’t change the fact of her being a survivor of my childhood molestation and pain, but I was able to affirm my love and appreciation.
6 comments:
I understand. Our wives hurt when we hurt, and we also end up hurting those that we love the most. It is a blessing that your wife stood by you along the path to healing. My wife has also stood along beside me. One thing I have realized that I used my wife as a sounding board and as a counselor, but it came to a point that I was asking too much out of her. She loves me and wants to help and is always on my side, but sometimes you want someone that will push you to confront the issues. My wife has a loving heart and has always been there for me. I don't want to make her become my aggressive coach that is constantly challenging me. I just want her love. I thank God for Cecil and this blog. I can anonymously share my heart and not be condemned by others. I can share with others that have similar experiences and feelings. The two most recent blog posts (the last posts on the two current blog posts) that I posted have caused me to worry. I have checked back for responses many, many times expecting to hear words of condemnation and anger and hatred. I don't know why because I have not experienced any of those emotions on this blog. I run scared that I am going to share my secret with someone and they are going to respond with something that is going to destroy me. I am amazed by the courage of other bloggers on this site that are willing to share their names. I an scared to. I feel like a criminal even though I did nothing wrong. U feel like someone is going to knock on the door at night and arrest me for my vicious lies even though I know in my heart it is all true. I have shared my experience with about 15 people. I have had only one negative response, 5-7 awkward responses, 2 - 3 get medication responses, and 3 wonderful loving responses. The three loving responses are from the three people that I love the most. So why do I care what everybody else thinks? Why can't I share my name here? Why am I scared to death that my secret will be found out? What am I afraid of? Thank you again to Cecil and all the bloggers on this site, all of you encourage me more than you will ever know. I feel like your courage is starting to rub off on me. Thank you again!
I can't relate to this post from a personal stance, having never been married.
But I have observed friends who have overcome abuse and their wives. I have seen that what my friends went through had direct impact on their marriages. For a season, those marriages could have been lost, but both they and their spouses persevered.
Those relationships are stronger today because both husband and wife have submitted to a mutual healing journey.
I had never thought of it this way, but of course you are right. The abuse my husband survived as a child has affected me, and the abuse I went through has affected him.
Thank you Mark and Linda for your posts.
I can attest to this. You suffer when they suffer, though they are often completely unaware of the damage and hurt they are causing with their anger, words and how they react. My heart bleeds for this man of mine. I cannot fix his pain, but I feel it with him nonetheless. He is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...the sweet man I know, and the evil, angry, do and say the worst you can do to inflict as much pain as possible, Mr Hyde. He does everything he can to push me away...anyone else would have left the first time. I pray daily that he will be willing to get help, face this demon, and realize he can and does deserve a better life than the one he keeps himself, and ME in...
Good morning Anonymous, I read your post before I went to bed last night and I have been praying for both of you. I struggle to find words to say to you. I want to give you words of encouragement and understanding, but I don't understand it myself. I have been seeking help for years by reading and talking to others. When I read your post it struck me to the core. I thought, did my wife write this. I was in one of those moods yesterday. I was very grumpy and it was due to a rough work week and then dealing with the settling of my mom's will and the storms we had, but my wife and my son confronted me. After two good meals, I was better. The strange part about is you know that your in this mood and the more you try on your own to get out of the mood, it gets deeper and darker and harder to escape. I know it is so unfair to my wife and my son, and I apologize profusely. I have to pray a lot and I listen to a lot of sermons on youtube. Jesus is the ultimate healer, but sometimes you need a person. I have reached out to healing broken men a lot. If you Google it, you will find the website. His podcasts help a lot and he is also available by phone. He has had podcasts for the spouses also. I will continue to pray for both of you. I want to thank you for not giving up on him. I know this is something that you did not want in your life, but it is also something that I am sure he did not want in his. As survivors we always relive those moments. Some things retrigger the memories. Speaking to myself, I am always doubting myself because you don't want to believe that you father could do such evil things to you. So I always relive it in my mind hoping the story will change but it never does. I will continue praying for you and as I am typing this, I am praying for you. Thank you again for being there for a fellow survivor. I know he appreciates you, but he probably does not know how to tell you.
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