I still feel isolated and impoverished when I'm in a group of strangers and no one smiles at me or talks to me. Sometimes I tell my circle of acquaintances about my newest success (or failure) and no one seems to listen. In those instances, I feel like that sad, estranged boy again.
Whether it's belonging to a church or a gang, we've been created to be with others. We deserve acceptance, affirmation, and appreciation—the kind we can get only from others.
Some are better suited to relating only to one or two people; others need a crowd. Regardless, when we're rejected, shunned, or ignored, we reflect negatively on ourselves. What's wrong with me?
My alcohol-addicted brother once said to me, "I don't need anybody." Then he gulped down half a bottle of beer and lied to himself once again.
He never changed because he drowned his neediness. I changed because I faced mine.
I need. I deserve.
Those are good healing words.
(This post was adapted from Not Quite Healed, written by Cecil Murphey and Gary Roe.)
I have decided to go to the men's getaway at the end of this month. I am really anxious. I managed to obtain a semi private room with someone I know so that will be better. I am definitely NOT comfortable around so many men. I keep telling myself that I am not alone; 1 in 6 is the average of someone like me being there.
The thing is lately the leadership is pushing for a more honest, open vulnerable exchange in these groups. Where men can really open up and talk about what things they are dealing with. I have not had much luck at these things even just sharing that I have a history of Childhood Abuse with no details. Everyone seems to nod sympathetically and change the subject and not speak of it again. It all reverts back to a "How bout those Seahawks!" level.
It's almost comical if it wasn't so sad. The worst effect that it has on me is to be less that receptive to their sharing and I hate that. I am seriously debating on just being as superficial as everyone else and enjoying the food and time away from the computer. Sort of letting them set the tone.
Actually I am not really sure what I am looking for. Not sympathy for sure. I just feel like they are asking me to share my pain but don't really want to hear it or be my friend. Needy? Maybe that's it. I am looking for a good friend to just "hear" me and hitting a wall. It is painful to let one's wall down only to find other's simply peering over theirs at my pathetic attempt to reach out.
Anyway, I will brave it one more time and give someone else the benefit of doubt, one more time. And try not to be so needy myself.
Roger - reading your words makes me hurt. Couple reasons - I recognize a lot of myself in what you are saying. And I hurt for the battle that you are experiencing in your desire to find and connect with other men that truly hear each other.
I admire your courage.
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