Saturday, March 21, 2020


My wife was complaining the other day that she wants more connection with me. She feels left behind in our relationship. 

I've thought about this a lot yesterday and remembered a book I once read on Attachment disorder. I think I do have this. I never got very attached to my mom. I loved her and I think she loved me but I had no problem leaving her and going off on my own at all. Same with my dad. My sis and I were never really close and often were at odds with each other growing up.

In fact, I can't remember ever being attached or feeling really connected to any degree with anyone. Everyone was at an invisible arms distance. I suspect I really don't know how to really connect with anyone. Could this be some form of Narcissism?


And if that's the case, what do I do to change it? Can it be changed? Perhaps my hardware needs a reboot. Or maybe it's my software, the real me inside this hardware I'm walking around in. IDK

And could this be part of the damage from the years of abuse? Something to think about isolated at home.

Just my thoughts


Zale Dowlen said...

YES, Yes, yes, yes, it can be changed.

Most of us in this situation have attachment issues. For most of us, it's what set us up for the abuse in the first place.

Your brain can be rewired. Neuroscience did not know this 10 - 20 years ago, but it does now. Counseling, EMDR, Inner Healing Prayer, mixed with time, effort and persistence can "rewire" your brain. The trauma can be released, sometimes a massive amount all at once (and you live to tell the stories, contrary to what the voices in your head tell you, who just want to keep holding it in.)

Additionally, I have learned that focusing on connection in my marriage can be good, if I will focus on my connection with God the Father and allow Him to restore my attachment, that is the better choice. Why? Because fixing my connection with Him takes care of my connection with her.

Roger Mann said...

Encouraging words and excellent advice. God help me put it into practice. Thank you, Zale.

jhoenshell said...

And may I suggest an incredible read... "UNWANTED: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing." (Jay Stringer, NavPress 2018). It's not exclusively about male sexual abuse; much more general, but has powerful application to all. And esp gives hope re the very thing you're talking about! I just finished, and found it to be a great help. He's bold in addressing the issue(s) of "why" any of us make poor choices due to our childhood traumas.

Anyway, I should pause & say "Hi...again". My name is Jeff, and my childhood abuse stories span probably 12-13 years, followed by another 40+ years of morale failure on my part -- as a husband, father & even pastor -- of saying one thing & doing another. (Sound familiar?) Anyway, I learned of this blog site a couple yrs ago and have read all the posts & stories, but only check it maybe 1x/every other mo.(Sorry) And to Zale D's comment from a prev post, that you might be the only 2, I have to say: Not so fast! Some of us who are still in the healing process DREAM of being as open as you all have been! Please don't stop posting/commenting! It's been a lifeline for many, and by God's grace will continue to be just that! Particularly now, during this crazy season. Thanks!

Roger Mann said...

Thank you so much for your comments and the book suggestion. I'll see if it's on kindle and get it. If not, I'll check and see if I can order a hard copy.

I'm glad you posted and I've suspected there are some that just read and hopefully are encouraged by it. I will continue posting. I have another in the works based on my last one concerning my wife. That you for your encouragement and may God bless you and give you peace.

Zale Dowlen said...

"Unwanted" is now on the reading list. Thanks!

jhoenshell said...

You both are most welcome! And Roger, I will follow more closely for your next post. Blessings, brothers!

Roger Mann said...

I've been reading the book. I like what he says and it dovetails with my own suspicions about what's behind my own issues from the abuse. Thanks again.