I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

It's Not Fair

While a member of a recovery group sponsored by the State of Georgia, one man cried out during the second meeting, "It's not fair!" He went on to compare himself with his older and younger brothers who, seemingly, were not molested and had no serious problems.

After allowing him to rant for several minutes, the therapist said, "You're right. It's not fair, but it is real."

Dean, the quietest man in the group, pulled up his left pants leg and showed his prosthesis from just below the knee. "And this isn't fair either. It's not fair that I'm alive and my dad died in the accident."

We were stunned and hardly knew how to respond but Dean added, "You can groan all you want about the unfairness, but nothing will change. If you're willing to grow up, you'll accept the reality and ask, 'Now how do I live the rest of my life'?"

I can't remember how the exchange went after that, except the it's-not-fair complainer yelled and groaned. He never came back to the group, and was our first dropout.

Maybe the poor man couldn't face the reality of his situation. Storming against the unfairness of life does no good. If anything, it makes it worse because we can't accept life as it is.

It took me a long time, but I finally began to say, "What is is what is." That's my shorthand way of saying, "That's the situation and I can't change it. But now I can make decisions on what to do next."

4 comments:

Alan said...

I can relate to this story in that I do feel and believe what was done to me was unfair however the Lord has been helping me to accept it as is and that it is my story. I think because the effects of molestation run so deep and affects literally every area of my life, it is a hard topic to deal with. Also, not knowing who I can talk to about it because people that have not experienced it don't understand the great effects it has on a person. I have a close friend that I talk to about my struggles but he doesn't understand and I think sometimes he thinks I should just move on but it's not that easy for me.

I need love and to be loved. Growing up without a father has not helped in my life story either but has added to the hurt and pain that I've felt from being molested and its effects. Sometimes I just need someone to understand and not try to tell me just move on. It's a process.

Can any of you relate?

Larry Clemson said...

I do understand. I do sometimes get stuck in the self pity mode. It was unfair. It was wrong. It is hard to find other people who can relate. Glad I found this blog! I don't think it's as easy as "just move on" but it is a process of going forward. I have gotten stuck along the way but I believe God is with us & we can trust him. I can move forward with God's help. I need him to walk through the healing with me.

Alan said...

Thanks Larry for sharing and I agree with you. I'm enjoying this blog and sharing and hearing from you guys!

Dan said...

Alan I CAN relate. It is a process and I've just begun walking through it. It wasn't fair but nothing I can do now changes that. What is, Is what is, i guess it's now my responsibility to deal with it, and maybe be an encouragement to others. Listening to all of the guys on here helps.
Dan