Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Breaking Bad Habits

This post comes from Roger Mann.

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During my abuse, and for years after I left home, I picked up some bad habits. I don’t know if it was the PTSD or being trained to see others as objects that might be useful or harmful to me. I developed a hyper alertness when out in public. I tended to notice every male around me and would check them out for hostile or friendly body language.

Most times, depending on the venue, it was indifference, but not always, and it was those times I would seem distracted to whomever I was with. Mostly it was because I was checking out where the bathroom was, where the nearest exit was, and trying to find a seat against a wall.

Also, I became almost obsessed with my body. I wanted to know every inch, learn about all its functions and what sort of sensations and scents it carried. Certain parts like knees have their own scent. Of course that led to a curiosity about everyone else’s bodies too, which got me in trouble on several occasions. Some people are militant about their modesty.

Abuse changed my whole perception on the world around me in ways I couldn’t appreciate for decades, and after many counseling sessions, I still have a few quirks, which I won’t share here. But I have come to realize that much of what I believed was not true and even dangerous for me.

I’m learning a healthier way to navigate life these days, and I’m more comfortable with who I am. I’ve learned to listen to my wife’s suggestions and watch people’s reactions to things I say and do so as not to be thought weird.

I can look back on many cringe-worthy situations that would never have occurred if my sensibilities had not been so horribly messed with.

Fortunately, I’m re-trainable.

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A note from Cec's assistant: Cec's publisher sent him a box of bookmarks for his upcoming book, More Than Surviving. If you would like to help Cec by distributing some of the bookmarks, please contact him at cec.murp@comcast.net and give him your mailing address. Thank you!

1 comment:

Jesus said...

Recent on a survivor youtube live link from States...Trauma support.
Survey reckoned 50 per.cent more who reported in were of this dysfunction.
Is is Post Stress I assume,though think this one was more Post Complex Stress Dysfunction.
I can understand this title as our feelings, life after our innocence taken it was is as a adult pretty complex in a various of ways it affects us. I still under stress re-act, act out and something at that time in my brain is not working as it should in FFF - Fear,Fight and Flight. As my abuse was early 2yr onwards, think my brain could not have been formed then in any ego, perhaps that at maybe 5-6 up to 10 yrs old. At this earlier time, the brain develops certain cortisol receptors that enable this dampening of the FFF affect. Perhaps at the times when i come stress, this must be happening and when normally I wouuld say 'No', i say yes to it. Is complex but one becomes like a neuro-scientist over many years how to cope, survive. My wife is the only one can hold this type of conversation with but felt want to share it here.