I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

A Story and Guidelines

First, I’ll tell you a story.

For more than 30 years, I’ve made my living as a professional writer (primarily a ghostwriter). Back in 2010, male survivors contacted me after I spoke at conferences. By then, each time I made oblique references to my abusive childhood.

Almost every time I spoke, some man would come to me afterward and say sheepishly, “I’m—uh, one of those—uh, men.”

Often, I was the first person he had ever told. I felt those men gave me a precious part of their trust and I didn’t want to violate it. And, as many of you know, trust is hard for us.

Second, those experiences made me sense the need for a blog—a safe place for hurting and healing men. That’s why I started MenShatteringtheSilence. The blog is to offer insight and encouragement for sharing our lives with each other.

This isn’t a chat room or a typical sharing group. Please don’t send personal messages to other blog readers. I want the entries to be of a general nature and focus on healing and growth.

Third, I’m a serious Christian, and several blog readers don’t embrace the same faith. I don’t want them turned away because of the posts. That’s not to ignore God in our lives, but to ask you, the readers and commenters, to be sensitive to them.

Some of you experienced sexual assault by those individuals who were supposed to represent God—pastors, Sunday school teachers, youth ministers. I want this blog to be the kind where any hurting man can find healing for his soul.

Fourth, if any of you want to talk to me personally, you may email me at cec.murp@comcast.net. If you want to make direct contact with someone on the blog who gives his name, I’ll send your request to that person and leave it up to him whether to respond.

Finally, thank you for reading this blog. I’ve been on the healing path a long time. I’m still learning and growing when I read your comments.


Anonymous said...

I apologize Cec. I definitely don't want to violate the rules of your blog. I have shared my faith a lot on this blog, not to offend. I definitely apologize if I offended anyone. I was abused by my dad who was also a deacon. We were at church everytime the door opened. My mother, who I am about 75% sure of, knew what my dad was doing and turned a blind eye. She was the church organist, Sunday School teacher, involved in the ladies group, and taught children music at church. If anybody needed anything done at church, then my parents were there. I will admit, I was mad at God for a long time. Why did He let this happen? Where was He? I finally came to a conclusion. After many hours of prayer, God allows free will. He does not want us to be robots. He wants us to love Him and obey Him because we want to. My parents made their choices. I know now that being a Christian and being a church member is not the same. After I look back now, I know God was there protecting me. He kept my dad from shooting me, he kept me from committing suicide several times. God means so much to me because I would not be here now without Him. I know some, lots, have been hurt by "church" people, I believe the worst kind of hurt; but I know with all my heart that it hurts God more when His children hurt each other. Once again, I apologize if I offended anyone.

Cecil Murphey said...

No need for an apology, but thank you for being sensitive. I apologize for not setting up guidelines in 2010, I'm sorry for your pain, anonymous, and I hope this blog will be an instrument in your continued healing.

Roger Mann said...

Same here Cec. and thanks for clarifying that. It's hard to separate my faith from my healing. It was my faith that primarily caused so much of the confusion. My father was a pastor, my mother sang, played music for services and taught sunday school also. It too me decades to finally admit that she too probably knew or suspected something was going on between me and dad my primary abuser. I tried to give up my faith but by then I had experienced God's presence is so many ways I just could not as they say throw the baby out with the bath water. I knew too much.

The anger and confusion lasted a long time. When he finally killed my mom in her sleep and shot himself there was suddenly no pretending anymore. The fantasy I'd clung too all my life about what a good family I had, what a good childhood I had was dead too.

If I'm honest i'm probably still not over that, especially at this time of the year. Jan 10 will be 23 years and it still hurts. But not as much as it used to. For a long time I could not attend church with out breaking down. I can go now but certain songs will have be bawling in the men's room.

God heals if we let him and work with him. Learning to do that can be difficult even for me. But, it's worth it. I can relate to so many others hurt by the family of God.

As someone once pointed out. God's got some funny kids. Not laughable, but odd.

Just my thoughts

Anonymous said...

Cec, I just wanted to tell you again, how much I appreciate this blog. I don't feel so alone anymore. I don't feel like I am the only one. That thought comfort me, but at the same time makes me sad. How can human beings let their sexual desires take over them to the point of hurting others. As I type hurting, hurting is not even the word that covers the pain. It is more like shattered, destroyed, from the very center, the very core of your being. The abuser only sees you as an object to satisfy their desires, their evil just pure evil. I know God says all sins are the same in His eyes, and I definitely don't want to question God, but the sin of stealing candy compared to utterly destroying a person to the core, especially their own children, flesh in blood. I don't know if I will ever understand, comprehend, or even want to comprehend the pure evil. I loved my parents, but I do not understand at all. I just do not understand. I would lay down my life, willingly, willingly, for my wife and kids, and I did. My son was about 3-4 and walked out in front of a car in a dark parking lot. I ran and grabbed him, and I fell to the ground, did not break my fall because I would not let go of him. I slammed head first to the gravel parking lot, and received a concussion. I saved his life, and I would do it again in a heart beat, and I did. My son took a wrong turn in Atlanta at night. A motorcycle intentionally rammed him, taunted him to get out of the car. I drove way above the speed limit to get to him. Made it to him before the cops. I confronted the thug, I would not let him hurt my son. So. How, how, how, how can a parent hurt their, shatter their, destroy their own child. And then on top of that make the child feel like they deserve it, and then call the child a liar, driving the child to suicidal thoughts. How, how, how?????

Anonymous said...

And then still, out of love, will not use my own name in this blog, for fear that someone will know me, and that it will change the way people view my parents. But is it love or fear, about what people will think about me. Signed confused and anonymous and one step closer. Al.

Cecil Murphey said...

Anonymous, please try not to be concerned about your need not to identify yourself. This is a common struggle. When you're ready, start using your name. Or give yourself a name. One man commented for at least two years under the name John Joseph. Later, he told me personally, those were his first and middle names.
We never, never, never want to push anyone to reveal anything they're not ready to divulge.

Homeward Bound said...

Thanks, Cec, for the guidelines in your recent post. I am new to your blog and they are a great help to know how to proceed with comments and communicating.

Anonymous said...

I did not realize how long your blog has been around. I have gone back to the very beginning and started reading. I am up to October 2010. There is a lot of great information in your blog. Thank you for starting this blog and consistently keeping it going. I was working with another resource, but it is not consistent and it really frustrates me. Thank you for allowing us to post and share on your blog. It means a lot to hear from others and know that I am not alone in this journey.

Cecil Murphey said...

Thank you, Anonymous. And don't forget that a number of other survivors have shared their insights and transparency.

Anonymous said...

There were comments about Oprah's show on 200 men that shared their experiences. I was able to view the recording of the show over the weekend. It was... I don't even have the words. Im so glad she did the show. Their were some very courageous men on the show.

Anonymous said...

Cec, I hope thus is omay to share on here. Here is the link to the Oprah show with 200 sexually abused men. It is a powerful show.