He signs it CGP.
"I think I could have handled it all right if it had been somebody else, but it was my father. I was twelve and he told me it was time for me to learn about sex and he wanted to help me. It began with touching, stroking, and kept going.
"That was my father! How can a man have sex with his own son? How could he do that to me?"
When CGP was sixteen he tried suicide twice. The first time he tried asphyxiation by lying on his father's bed with a plastic bag over his head, but his father came home early and found him. The second time he took a bottle of sleeping pills. As he was losing consciousness, he knew he didn't want to die. He called 911.
"I hate my dad," he wrote, "and I don't know if I'll ever be normal." He also said that he wrote to me because of the blog and he hadn't told anyone else.
We corresponded by email several times a week for about two months and I sensed he was doing better, but he stopped writing and didn't answer my emails.
I wonder how many others out there are like CGP.
Too many.
6 comments:
CBG (I hope you are reading this),
Recovering from childhood sexual abuse is so unbelievably hard that words fail me when I try to describe it.
I was diagnosed with a severe mental illness in my early 20s (I had tried to end my life, too)and I told my psychiatrist I had been abused (only because she asked me outright!).
I wanted her to help me but I was too sick (with hallucinations, mania and depression) to really focus.
I had to concentrate on getting my illness under control and it took years but after years of trying I found a medication that ended the voices and hallucinations.
I was so happy the voices were gone that I never thought I would complain about anything else ever again. I thought life would be wonderful and it seemed that way for a while, but then I hit a wall.
I was functioning, but I wasn't really living. I was still very unhappy and I knew very well why.
I felt pained and embarrassed, but I told my doctor that I had to deal with the abuse.
I didn't really want to do it but I was in so much pain I had no choice.
(I had read a lot of books on the subject, but I couldn't do this alone. God knows I tried!)
I've been actively working on the problems the abuse caused and for me, it has been a start-and-stop process.
Some days, I am able to talk to her about what happened and I have great insight. Other days I feel shut down and blank.
My doctor said this is normal. She thinks my mind shuts down because it is trying to protect me.
Believe me, this is NOT something that I do on purpose. I want to get better so badly and I get so impatient...but I can't force it.
Sometimes we need to take some time out and give ourselves a break.
That's not the same thing as giving up. Our hearts and minds just need time to recuperate because they can't stand a constant, steady onslought of pain.
Sometimes I have to let some time pass before I'm ready to deal with it again.
You'll deal with it again, too. WHEN YOU'RE READY.
When you are, please consider seeing a psychiatrist or therapist. It is so much harder and feels so much lonlier to try to do it alone, and hasn't your life been hard enough already?
And don't worry about anyone finding out the contents of your sessions. A psychiatrist is morally and professionaly obliged to keep your private business private (unless you are suicidal or homicidal).
I know it's hard, but try to have faith in yourself. I doubt you will ever be 100% normal because I don't know anyone who is.
But you can and will reach a point where you will feel better. I know that's hard to believe, but I spent most of my life paying for what happened to me and I'm not anymore.
(Remember, your father is the bad guy in this story, NOT YOU. You didn't do anything wrong.)
I'm not all better, but I'm better than I was. I'm going to keep trying to work this all out and I believe I can eventually recover.
I believe that you can, too. And you will.
I'll be thinking of you.
(I just wanted to mention that I am a woman. I know this is a blog for men but I read Cecil Murphey's book and a lot of the things he talked about applied to me, too.
So I hope it's okay that I posted here!)
CBG,
I just re-read my comments and I wanted to say one more thing: It is okay for you to hate your father for what he did to you. He did a hateful thing.
It's also okay if your feelings are more conflicted. Maybe you loved him for the good things he did and hated him for the bad things.
I personally find it hard to live with such contradictions and I don't like feeling ambivalent toward people who have been close to me, but sometimes that happens and I just have to deal with it.
Either way, your feelings are what they are and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it.
There really is no "normal" for people who were sexually abused as children. We just do the best we can...
THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMPASSIONATE HEARTS.
Two of you have commented to CBG and three others have sent me emails, which I've forwarded.
I've reached out to him, and I hope I've had some effect, but the emails coming from YOU mean so much to him.
Mr. Murphey,
If you think sending an e-mail to CBG would be more helpful than just leaving comments here I'd be happy to send them to you via e-mail so you can forward them to him.
Please tell me how I can send you an e-mail if you think I should. I'm not terribly familiar with this site and I don't know how.
Thank you for your time.
Leave your comments here. CBG checks regularly.
CBG,
I just read your story, and I am hurting for you. I am so, so sorry for the confusing horror you had to endure. I am praying for you--for your healing, for peace. You are precious to God--your life is so precious. Every tear, every pain is caught by your true, trustworthy Father in Heaven--He loves you with an everlasting love.
Jessie
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