(This post comes from Gary Roe.)
Because of sexual abuse in early childhood, I grew up infected with a number of lies. The most basic one was I’m alone. Following closely behind were I’m unlovable and I’m a failure. I bought I’m a failure because I believed I’m in control.
The people who should have protected me were my abusers. That left things up to me. If it was going to stop, I had to act. I set out to control my situation and the people around me.
I tried to become very small—invisible, or not attracting notice. When being ignored didn’t work, I was compliant, doing exactly what I was told. If that failed, I’d perform to distract them–sing, dance, or act silly.
I believed it was up to me to keep bad stuff from happening. But I knew that was impossible and that unpleasant things were going to happen. That left me with a sense of despair and failure.
The truth? Only God is in control. I’m in control of what I do with the thoughts that come into my mind. I’m not in control of circumstances, people, or my own instinctual, automatic reactions. I’m not that powerful, but I am very significant.
I might feel that I’m in control, that I’m the man. I’m glad I’m not the man. Feelings are not facts.
I now believe God is in control, not me. I’m learning to live that out.