I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

Lies I've Believed (Part 5 of 5)

(This post comes from Gary Roe.)

Lie #5: “It’s All My Fault”

Childhood sexual abuse implanted the lie I’m alone deeply into my heart. That lie brought other companions with it: I’m unlovable, I’m a failure, I’m in control, and It’s all my fault.

My perpetrators were adults. They were supposed to know what they were doing. Something must be wrong with me. Maybe I deserved this. I must be to blame. It’s all my fault.

I felt responsible. That exaggerated sense of responsibility spread to other areas of my life. If anything went wrong, I assumed it was my fault and I didn’t do it right.

The truth? The abuse was their fault. I had no part in it and I was the victim.

It’s all my fault? I’m not that powerful. I’m not in control. I’m not God. When something goes wrong, I can consider if I had a part in it, confess, ask forgiveness, and then forgive myself.

I might feel like it’s all my fault, but feelings are not facts.

Now, I believe I’m responsible for some things, but not everything. I’m learning to live that way.


Heather Marsten said...

My goodness, I bought into that lie. I figured if I only did this or didn't do that then he wouldn't have abused me. I needed that lie because at a young age the truth would have hurt too much. The truth being my father cared more for his lust than he loved his daughter. Thanks for sharing this.

Anonymous said...

Thank you.

I'm glad to have found your site and I'm bookmarking it.

I felt alone for years and still am estranged from MY ENTIRE family, save for two cousins, because the most insidious part of my abuse is that EVERYONE in my family were either turning a blind eye, buying into a group delusion because of the woman who calls herself my mother's manipulation, or think I'm lying because she's convinced everyone I'm a liar and she's a saint.

I'm short, I wasn't only the victim of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, covert incest, psychological torture) for the entire time I had anything to do with my parents, but I was also set up to the "Family Pinata," being made fun of on a constant basis by all members of my family.

I hated Christmas gatherings, I could never do anything right, and, most sickeningly, not only did I have to hear stories about my "father's" lack of sexual prowess and how my "mother" wasn't satisfied, I was also blamed for everything for their financial problems to the very sexual dysfunction I was hearing about from the age of 8 onward.

I really WAS alone. I no longer am, and have to tell myself daily I'm not alone, either in teh sense as a victim, but also as someone who's started his own family.

"You are alone" is the message youre given constantly which goes hand in hand with "nobody will believe you."

Thank you for your page.

----Survivor in Texas.

stanw said...

Anonymous, you are definitely no longer alone and you are believed. Thank you for sharing so honestly.

Heather, those lies are now shattered and you have faced the truth, and please know you worth knowing, worth cherishing and worth loving, be the best you you can be.