My Name Is Jamie

My name is Jamie.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

The little boy I was became an injured, confused & fearful soul.

Authority no longer deserved my respect.

Trust no longer seemed possible.

My dreams and goals no longer appeared attainable, washed away with the tears.

For 30 years I have struggled and fought to live despite the pain.

I have let failure become a habit, and chaos an addiction.

The experience has stunted my growth as a man, as a whole person.

I sit in gatherings feeling like an alien, an outsider.

I listen to others speak and am overcome with feelings of inadequacy.

I wonder if I’ll ever fit in, ever become a true part of society.

Wonder if I can ever be someone who experiences the true meaning of the word, ‘success’.

I am trying to build a bridge to the little boy I was, so that I can know him again.

I am trying to heal. I am trying to rise above. I am trying to live again.

I am more than my emotions, my fear, my disappointment.

I am a man full of talent, humour and kindness.

I am a caring, intimate boyfriend, a supportive and encouraging friend.

I am their son, her brother, their teacher and your neighbour.

When you see me on the subway, you don’t see the turmoil inside.

When you hear my laughter, you don’t see the private tears.

Step by step, day by day, little by little, I am trying to improve my circumstance.

I am trying not to let the past prevent a bright future.

I am fighting for more peace, less anger. More joy, less sadness. More love, less pain.

With more courage than I could’ve ever imagined, I am pushing forward into a new, fulfilling life where the difficult memories stop pulling me down. Where the smile is genuine, the laughter hearty, the embrace confident.

A new year. A new path. A new challenge.

I’m ending my silence, continuing my healing journey.

I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m ready.