A Response to "Be Kind"

(This post comes from Roger.)

I discovered at some point in my recovery I was actually angry at my younger self for not resisting, not standing up to my dad and for just going along with what I knew was wrong for the sake of what I could get out of it. I had held that resentment for decades without realizing it. Every time I thought about my young or teen self I would get angry, resentful, and found myself irritable for reasons I could not quite grasp.

Then one day a counselor pointed out that every time I spoke about my youth I would sound harsh or resentful. I would make joking derogatory comments all the time. I was kind of shocked.

He helped me to see that my young self did what he could to survive. He was a boy. I was a man and I was judging him as a man and not seeing him as a kid who was clueless and did what he had to do to stay sane and get me to adulthood. Sure, I understood all of this now. I could see the mistakes, bad decisions and poor judgment from my perspective as an adult but back then I was just a kid. It was time I began to cut that kid some slack.

I am doing pretty good right now but I am here because my young self made some decisions no kid should ever have to make. I am here because my young self allowed things that no boy should ever have to allow. That boy had no one but himself to rely on and yes as an adult I would never allow such things in my life but I was not an adult back then with money, friends, and the power to leave and go be somewhere else. As a boy I was stuck where I was and knew nothing else.

That boy is my hero. I love that boy. When I think of that boy now I give him a mental hug and kiss and tell him it's ok we made it, we survived. I thank him for his ingenuity in keeping me together during and very not-together time in my life. I am proud of him and I tell him so.

There is a peace that has come to my past. I am whole now or more so than before because I stopped beating up emotionally on a small abused boy I knew a long time ago for something that was NOT HIS FAULT.