I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

Pursuing Change

(This blog post comes from John Bixler.)

I have been aggressively pursuing CHANGE for the last 2 months. I've found the process to be brutal. Rather than becoming more at peace, I've become more tormented. I search out ways that I'm not good enough. More things to address. More work to do. I have no patience. My anxiety is sky high. My back is tight, my chest is tight, my airway feels restricted.

Yesterday I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "You are lovable just the way you are."

I did it again this morning. Looking directly into my own eyes and knowing what I am going through, seeing the pain and sadness behind my own eyes, was overwhelming.

So I said it. "You are lovable just the way you are." Something happened next. I talked to myself. After the planned affirmation, I suddenly blurted out, "Someday you are going to have to be comfortable with yourself. You know that, right?"

I didn't think it. I just said it.

I'm so busy chasing the wrong thing. I'm busy chasing change. I'm busy trying to be someone else. I'm busy trying to be better than everyone else.

I don't have to change.

I have to be me. Instead of making massive changes to myself, I only need to practice being me, to be comfortable being me.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I read this and have spent the last few days pondering it's truth. The last three years of my life I have been internally ripped apart by surfacing aspects of my childhood sexual abuse. At the same time I am living a life on the cusp of accomplishing what I've spent the last eleven years of my life working for. I am angry that it is so hard. I am angry that it does not matter in an academic and professional world what I am emotionally going through. I am angry that my life is so torn apart. I am angry that the "me" I am 12 hours of the day is so completely detached from the me that comes racing back in my alone times; in my family times.

I realize that it is me ripping this void deeper. Like a surgeon I am trying to cut into the festering abscess and get the poison out. I feel overwhelmed and I wonder when this will end. I am afraid that this may never end, or end abruptly in a victimized blaze of glory. It is curious to think if all the pushing, and digging, and reading, and medicating is actually necessary. Can God just take it all away? Can a sufficiently humbled heart and contrite spirit be the essential peace to ... Peace?

Roger Mann said...

"Can God just take it all away? Can a sufficiently humbled heart and contrite spirit be the essential peace to ... Peace?"

The short answer is Yes, but there is a caveat. God is more interested in making us holy, and whole, than Happy. If all of this drives you into His arms, it has worked it's work in your life. I learned that from C S Lewis initially and later, the hard way.

Deep inside we know there is something called Better. Something which we obviously have not yet attained but yearn for. We were meant for Better, designed to function perfectly there; can almost taste it at times. And it is meant to drive us to God where not only better but Best prevails. A sufficiently humbled heart can be reasonable happy in this life. Letting go and letting God take care of our anxieties, fears, and hurts can leave us in a state of peace.

Bible states we will be kept in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on THEE. Focused on me, I can be miserable. Focused on God I get a whole different perspective.

It is simple, it is not easy. It is a struggle at times and requires practice but yes it is possible to overcome and find peace.

I pray that you will, you are precious to HIM and HE wants it for you too. And also you are greatly loved for who you are.

just my thoughts...

Joseph said...

A great response, Roger. Thank you for posting it. I have found what you say to be true. I have come to the place where I can truthfully said, I no longer need to know "why" God let it happen, but I am content to leave the reasons in His holy hands. I will never know the reasons in this life, and when I am face-to-face with the Savior, I won't need to ask.